Tonight, on the eve of my Tao journey, I feel afraid.
I am not afraid of the learnings that I might receive. Goodness knows I've had plenty of those these past many years. And I'm not afraid to discover shadow parts of myself. More of them have blindsided me by creeping out from underneath rocks than I care to admit. And no, it's not even because you, my dear reader, will learn about these shadows. I've been deeply moved upon discovering how often my shared shortcomings have become not fodder for ridicule and abandonment but in actuality a blossoming of shared humanity and caring.
No, my fear is not from any of these more obvious options. What scares me tonight is that, in my writings, I will not be able to do my normal dance of saying-something-quickly-about-myself-and-then-turning-it-back-to-talking-about-you. Any one of you who knows me is very familiar with this usually-unconscious trick I have of getting the attention off of me as soon as possible. In this blog format, I can't get away with this. I can't toss out a sentence or two and then say, 'well, what has your experience with this been like?' or, 'what a nice sweater you are wearing!' I just have to keep sharing. And sharing. And (gulp) sharing some more.
What an odd experience, isn't it, for a human being to be afraid of a chance to speak without limitations? Isn't that what most people dream of?
At the beginning of every journey, I like to step back and take a good look at why I am choosing this path. I examine three things: (1) what the Start line looks like; (2) how this chosen track fits into my current life work and goals; and (3) what kind of Finish I would like to manifest.
So, One. My Starting Point. What is my life like? Who am I now?
Female, 55 years old, single with boyfriend, living in Santa Rosa, Ca., free to do whatever I want to do and feel led to do. It is an amazing life. My inner and outer work includes healing whatever I am carrying which no longer serves, and in opening up my heart so that I can live freely and without fear.
Through recent meditations and breath work I realized that I have lived most of my life within an inner cave that I made for myself when I was a child. My cave was created to do the following:
(a) Keep me safe and protected
(b) Keep me from making mistakes
(c) Keep people from seeing my belief in my inherent worthlessness
(d) Keep my inner passions locked up so that I could be vigilant and aware to do my 'higher purpose' of being there for others
Did this creation work? No, for each of these hopes. I didn't feel safe, I still made mistakes, I couldn't keep people from seeing how I felt about myself, and my inner passions leaked out all over the place, often as shadows that wildly ran my life and couldn't be tamed. Even when I became an adult, I unknowingly continued to live in the cave, unaware of its illusory nature and path to separation. It has been a shock to learn how disconnected from people, from life and from Spirit I have been. My heart years to open to this true connection.
Two: How does this new journey fit into my goals?
I am now in the process of cracking open that cave, and lifting my head out to be in the world. It is time to power myself through the terror of being seen, to sit more securely in my truth, and to risk making a fool of myself. For the young girl who always believed that she needed to be diligently good and others-focused, this is a terrifying process. The 81-day work with the Tao Te Ching resonated as being one of my paths to calm this terror.
Three: My finish
My finish? In a way, there never truly is a finish. but, for this short journey, there can be an ending spot upon which to sit, look back and reflect. During these travels, I want to remain open to investigate new pathways with childlike wonder and glee (and anything else that comes up!) My overall goal is to more fully open my heart, lessen my fear at being real and vulnerable, and to have let myself walk fully through a new doorway without knowing what is on the other side.
So, I breathe deeply and take my first step.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Winter Solstice Path of the Night
As I breathe in the sharp cool air of this shortest day of the year, I look ahead with a bit of trepidation and even more excitement towards January 1st, when I start my journey down into the Tao and my own depths. Last week I listened to a Wayne Dyer/Marianne Williamson CD, and Mr. Dyer spoke of the Tao Te Ching, a 2500-year-old sacred text that speaks to the idea that there is an undivided truth at the root of all things. As I heard his words, I felt an expansion of energy rise within my being; historically, this has been my call to listen more deeply to what I am experiencing. When the 81 verses of this writing by Lao-Tzu was described, I knew that the next step for me in my spiritual journey would be to do an investigation of these wise teachings. I decided that I would create an 81-day adventure where each day would be a personal study of each of the verses.
Before starting this task, I discovered that there are over 200 English translations of the text. It felt important to me to find the one that most called to me at this point in my life. I got books and printed up pages that represented some of the different translations, and held each of them up to my body to see what type of response I received. This is the way I often make decisions as to what is right for my mind/body/spirit, from medication to food choices. I feel either an expansion, a contraction, or a neutral energy, which speaks to the power that each option has for me at that time. In this case, I easily eliminated most of them, but felt an energy expansion with 3 of them that felt fairly equal.
I didn't want to go crazy in working with even more choices, so I went ahead and read the first chapter of each of the 3 remaining options. One of them spoke the most to me. It also was the first one I had found, and, going along with the thought that our first instinct is often the most correct one, I felt comfortable with choosing this choice. It is a translation by j.h. mcdonald.
What else do I need to do to prepare for this journey? Besides creating a blog, I figured out how I want to structure the study. Each day will look like this: In the morning, after meditations to open up my body, heart and mind centers, I will read the daily chapter. After a short subsequent meditation on the words, I will then write the verse on a card. Somehow I will carry this card all day with me, either attached to my clothes or maybe clipped to my purse. I want the reminder in front of me all day, as I imagine that it will be very easy for me to forget all about it and get caught up in everyday life. As the day manifests, I will see what messages the verse has for me, and I will incorporate its meanings and lessons into my behaviors and thoughts. In the evening, I will write the verse on my blog and then describe how it affected my day. I'll see how this works, and make changes if other ideas arise.
Besides working with these logistics, I can feel my inner self getting ready for this journey. I am doing lots of emotional and physical release - including crying - to facilitate letting go of whatever is clogging up space that I want to have open and available for the learnings that I know are coming. I can only imagine how enlightening, confusing, and most certainly annoying the lessons will likely be. May I remain open to the possibilities and not remain stubbornly stuck in my old beliefs and judgments!
Before starting this task, I discovered that there are over 200 English translations of the text. It felt important to me to find the one that most called to me at this point in my life. I got books and printed up pages that represented some of the different translations, and held each of them up to my body to see what type of response I received. This is the way I often make decisions as to what is right for my mind/body/spirit, from medication to food choices. I feel either an expansion, a contraction, or a neutral energy, which speaks to the power that each option has for me at that time. In this case, I easily eliminated most of them, but felt an energy expansion with 3 of them that felt fairly equal.
I didn't want to go crazy in working with even more choices, so I went ahead and read the first chapter of each of the 3 remaining options. One of them spoke the most to me. It also was the first one I had found, and, going along with the thought that our first instinct is often the most correct one, I felt comfortable with choosing this choice. It is a translation by j.h. mcdonald.
What else do I need to do to prepare for this journey? Besides creating a blog, I figured out how I want to structure the study. Each day will look like this: In the morning, after meditations to open up my body, heart and mind centers, I will read the daily chapter. After a short subsequent meditation on the words, I will then write the verse on a card. Somehow I will carry this card all day with me, either attached to my clothes or maybe clipped to my purse. I want the reminder in front of me all day, as I imagine that it will be very easy for me to forget all about it and get caught up in everyday life. As the day manifests, I will see what messages the verse has for me, and I will incorporate its meanings and lessons into my behaviors and thoughts. In the evening, I will write the verse on my blog and then describe how it affected my day. I'll see how this works, and make changes if other ideas arise.
Besides working with these logistics, I can feel my inner self getting ready for this journey. I am doing lots of emotional and physical release - including crying - to facilitate letting go of whatever is clogging up space that I want to have open and available for the learnings that I know are coming. I can only imagine how enlightening, confusing, and most certainly annoying the lessons will likely be. May I remain open to the possibilities and not remain stubbornly stuck in my old beliefs and judgments!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
