Fear Arises with the Blue Moon

Tonight, on the eve of my Tao journey, I feel afraid.

I am not afraid of the learnings that I might receive. Goodness knows I've had plenty of those these past many years. And I'm not afraid to discover shadow parts of myself. More of them have blindsided me by creeping out from underneath rocks than I care to admit. And no, it's not even because you, my dear reader, will learn about these shadows. I've been deeply moved upon discovering how often my shared shortcomings have become not fodder for ridicule and abandonment but in actuality a blossoming of shared humanity and caring.

No, my fear is not from any of these more obvious options. What scares me tonight is that, in my writings, I will not be able to do my normal dance of saying-something-quickly-about-myself-and-then-turning-it-back-to-talking-about-you. Any one of you who knows me is very familiar with this usually-unconscious trick I have of getting the attention off of me as soon as possible. In this blog format, I can't get away with this. I can't toss out a sentence or two and then say, 'well, what has your experience with this been like?' or, 'what a nice sweater you are wearing!' I just have to keep sharing. And sharing. And (gulp) sharing some more.

What an odd experience, isn't it, for a human being to be afraid of a chance to speak without limitations? Isn't that what most people dream of?

At the beginning of every journey, I like to step back and take a good look at why I am choosing this path. I examine three things: (1) what the Start line looks like; (2) how this chosen track fits into my current life work and goals; and (3) what kind of Finish I would like to manifest.

So, One. My Starting Point. What is my life like? Who am I now?

Female, 55 years old, single with boyfriend, living in Santa Rosa, Ca., free to do whatever I want to do and feel led to do. It is an amazing life. My inner and outer work includes healing whatever I am carrying which no longer serves, and in opening up my heart so that I can live freely and without fear.

Through recent meditations and breath work I realized that I have lived most of my life within an inner cave that I made for myself when I was a child. My cave was created to do the following:

(a) Keep me safe and protected
(b) Keep me from making mistakes
(c) Keep people from seeing my belief in my inherent worthlessness
(d) Keep my inner passions locked up so that I could be vigilant and aware to do my 'higher purpose' of being there for others

Did this creation work? No, for each of these hopes. I didn't feel safe, I still made mistakes, I couldn't keep people from seeing how I felt about myself, and my inner passions leaked out all over the place, often as shadows that wildly ran my life and couldn't be tamed. Even when I became an adult, I unknowingly continued to live in the cave, unaware of its illusory nature and path to separation. It has been a shock to learn how disconnected from people, from life and from Spirit I have been. My heart years to open to this true connection.

Two: How does this new journey fit into my goals?

I am now in the process of cracking open that cave, and lifting my head out to be in the world. It is time to power myself through the terror of being seen, to sit more securely in my truth, and to risk making a fool of myself. For the young girl who always believed that she needed to be diligently good and others-focused, this is a terrifying process. The 81-day work with the Tao Te Ching resonated as being one of my paths to calm this terror.

Three: My finish

My finish? In a way, there never truly is a finish. but, for this short journey, there can be an ending spot upon which to sit, look back and reflect. During these travels, I want to remain open to investigate new pathways with childlike wonder and glee (and anything else that comes up!) My overall goal is to more fully open my heart, lessen my fear at being real and vulnerable, and to have let myself walk fully through a new doorway without knowing what is on the other side.

So, I breathe deeply and take my first step.