Verse 18
When the great Tao is abandoned
charity and righteousness appear.
When intellectualism arises,
hypocrisy is close behind.
When there is strife in the family unit,
people talk about 'brotherly love'.
When the country falls into chaos
politicians talk about 'patriotism'.
--------------------------------
I have carried this card around me for several days now. And Nada, Nothing is coming up for me with this. Zero.
I wonder what this means. Certainly not that the words don't have any meaning for me; in fact it's probably just the opposite.
Thinking about it.
Ah, I believe that this is what is happening: I still haven't finished processing what I need to focus on from the past couple of verses. Every day I'm still falling off cliffs and tumbling through alternative worlds, with new and often surprising understandings arising. I think that I need to stay with this process and let it continue to flow and not go on to the next task until at some level this one is complete.
So I'm off to don my hard hat, as I have a sense that there are more cliffs on the horizon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Torch Holder
Verse 17
The best leaders are those the people hardly know exist.
The next best is a leader who is loved and praised.
Next comes the one who is feared.
The worst one is the leader that is despised.
If you don't trust the people
they will become untrustworthy.
The best leaders value their words, and use them sparingly.
When she has accomplished her task,
The people say "Amazing.
We did it, all by ourselves!"
---------------------------------
I love this verse. It is one of my favorite ones so far. It is even possible that I am understanding a real aspect of what is being said; with some of these verses, I don't know if I am even scratching the surface!
For me, being a leader feels most satisfactory when I am actually following. It's exciting to be invited to join someone as they walk down into their deepest personal depths, and then to be given a flashlight to hold for them. I can follow them down and shine the light in the direction they seem to be heading, and maybe even shine it off to the side a bit once in awhile to illuminate a wider screen. When they see something that fits or resonates for them, they can grab it and it becomes theirs. As they own it, they can take responsibility for it, find it again if needed, and possibly go forth on their own next time, more confident in their ability to discover whatever their hearts and minds are yearning for.
I find that it is important, as the flashlight holder, to be aware of the distance from the seeker that is needed at any time. If I get too close, the beam is overly focused, and they can only see the spot where it is pointed. If I am too far behind, everything is too dim, and they can't see enough. If I am paying attention, I can stand just the right distance behind, and, when they make their choice, I can step up next to them and let the light produce even more clarity.
The best leaders are those the people hardly know exist.
The next best is a leader who is loved and praised.
Next comes the one who is feared.
The worst one is the leader that is despised.
If you don't trust the people
they will become untrustworthy.
The best leaders value their words, and use them sparingly.
When she has accomplished her task,
The people say "Amazing.
We did it, all by ourselves!"
---------------------------------
I love this verse. It is one of my favorite ones so far. It is even possible that I am understanding a real aspect of what is being said; with some of these verses, I don't know if I am even scratching the surface!
For me, being a leader feels most satisfactory when I am actually following. It's exciting to be invited to join someone as they walk down into their deepest personal depths, and then to be given a flashlight to hold for them. I can follow them down and shine the light in the direction they seem to be heading, and maybe even shine it off to the side a bit once in awhile to illuminate a wider screen. When they see something that fits or resonates for them, they can grab it and it becomes theirs. As they own it, they can take responsibility for it, find it again if needed, and possibly go forth on their own next time, more confident in their ability to discover whatever their hearts and minds are yearning for.
I find that it is important, as the flashlight holder, to be aware of the distance from the seeker that is needed at any time. If I get too close, the beam is overly focused, and they can only see the spot where it is pointed. If I am too far behind, everything is too dim, and they can't see enough. If I am paying attention, I can stand just the right distance behind, and, when they make their choice, I can step up next to them and let the light produce even more clarity.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Peace vs Ecstasy, Part 2
What does it mean when I feel like I am going down down down into my truth and even when it is taking me places that seem unknown and likely dangerous, if I simply keep going, and don't stop, don't try to control it or hide it or couch it in pretty words and actions, flush it fully all the way through, and, when it seems like I have come to a dangerous cliff that might take me somewhere I have protected myself against, on the chance that it might be too much or cause hurt or disappointment or loss of control, what if I simply stop for a second, breathe and let the energy force become love and infuse my entire body with it, what if I then continue and keep going and fall off that cliff and discover a new world whose doorway leads me to a place with opportunities and options that I have never even considered and they feel joyfully right and abundant and transforming and the danger is at bay and I bask in this new space and feel awash in light and I move around in it and get to know it and then I see another cliff and know that I must allow myself to fall off of it again, that I absolutely can't stop the momentum and again I feel the fear that it might lead me somewhere dangerous but that I only can fall into trusting that another brilliant world will be found when I again simply let the energy force totally envelope my body with love and again
fall?
Who will I be then?
Whom have I been until now?
fall?
Who will I be then?
Whom have I been until now?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Tranquility of Peace vs the Joy of Ecstasy
Verse 16
If you can empty your mind of all thoughts
your heart will embrace the tranquility of peace.
Watch the workings of all creation,
but contemplate their return to source.
All creatures in the universe
return to the point where they began.
Returning to the source is tranquility
because we submit to Heaven's mandate.
Returning to Heaven's mandate is called being constant.
Knowing the constant is called 'enlightenment'.
Not knowing the constant is the source of evil deeds
because we have no roots.
By knowing the constant we can accept things as they are.
By accepting things as they are, we become impartial.
By being impartial, we become one with Heaven.
By being one with Heaven, we become one with Tao.
By being one with Tao, we are no longer concerned about
losing our life because we know the Tao is constant
and we are one with Tao.
------------------------------------
These past several days I have had an infection, and being down with it has been an opportunity to reflect upon the messages and gifts that this malady has for me.
One huge gift came, in the form of a blaze of light. It was like a switch was flipped that illuminated all that had been encased in darkness for years.
I have manifested a certain behavior for much of my life that was formed in childhood and hasn't served me. Well, actually, there are lots of my behaviors that haven't served me, but one in particular has been a source of pain and grief for a long time, and I haven't been able to get a handle on it. Not only has it caused personal suffering, but also wounding for those who have been close to me. And I have been so caught up in the drama that I didn't have a complete picture of what was happening, and why.
Nor did it seem that I wanted to have the complete picture, as, in the midst of that suffering also came a deep sense of pleasure that I didn't want to give up. The pleasure was a rush that was soon followed by an even deeper rush of suffering. I imagine it might be similar to the high and crash that occur with drug or alcohol addiction, and I got a richer understanding of the drive to hold onto the behavior even when in some ways it was killing me and others in the process.
With this enlightenment, I understood more of what I had experienced in my youth, what my responses were, and why I developed my subsequent behaviors. It suddenly all made sense, although there are probably many more layers that I can't even see yet. But it was enough to give me some wisdom about the unconscious life paths that I chose.
With these new realizations in hand, along with the support and insight from a dear friend of mine, I have begun to see ways of dissolving these vestigial influences and clearing myself of their hold on me.
Pondering this next step of letting go brought up resistance. Giving up the suffering could also mean giving up that exquisite high that preceded it. My life recently has been so calm, so content. Did I really want to lose a source of a real high?
It seems apparent that it is imperative that I find another source that does not include suffering. But in a way, making that choice seems devastating, like letting go of a soulmate whom I am finally seeing as a batterer. What is it that I get from this behavior? What is it that is so precious that I am so willing to create so much pain?
Energy. That's it. The rush that I get feels like stolen energy. I become filled with a life force that I steal from the person with whom I am interacting, and they may feel some effect but probably often not even know why they might feel deflated when the interaction is finished. But I go on my way energized, feeling so much better, not even realizing that I have taken this precious entity from the other person. If I'm not in touch with my own energy source, and am scrambling to fill myself in any way that I can, how desperate it can make me to grab it, breathe it in and run.
This gives me much insight as to why it might be so difficult for a batterer to stop his pattern. How much more clearly can I see the soul of the person who might feel like they might perish without this energy rush, and how from sitting in this place of the most basic level of survival, we can't even begin yet to consider the havoc we are wreaking on those around us.
I am aware that what I am investigating is only the very tip of the iceberg. There is so much more. But tonight I will let that go, and continue to peer into my own past, forgive myself for the battering I have done to myself and others, and start to search for my own methods of energy so that I never have to steal again.
If you can empty your mind of all thoughts
your heart will embrace the tranquility of peace.
Watch the workings of all creation,
but contemplate their return to source.
All creatures in the universe
return to the point where they began.
Returning to the source is tranquility
because we submit to Heaven's mandate.
Returning to Heaven's mandate is called being constant.
Knowing the constant is called 'enlightenment'.
Not knowing the constant is the source of evil deeds
because we have no roots.
By knowing the constant we can accept things as they are.
By accepting things as they are, we become impartial.
By being impartial, we become one with Heaven.
By being one with Heaven, we become one with Tao.
By being one with Tao, we are no longer concerned about
losing our life because we know the Tao is constant
and we are one with Tao.
------------------------------------
These past several days I have had an infection, and being down with it has been an opportunity to reflect upon the messages and gifts that this malady has for me.
One huge gift came, in the form of a blaze of light. It was like a switch was flipped that illuminated all that had been encased in darkness for years.
I have manifested a certain behavior for much of my life that was formed in childhood and hasn't served me. Well, actually, there are lots of my behaviors that haven't served me, but one in particular has been a source of pain and grief for a long time, and I haven't been able to get a handle on it. Not only has it caused personal suffering, but also wounding for those who have been close to me. And I have been so caught up in the drama that I didn't have a complete picture of what was happening, and why.
Nor did it seem that I wanted to have the complete picture, as, in the midst of that suffering also came a deep sense of pleasure that I didn't want to give up. The pleasure was a rush that was soon followed by an even deeper rush of suffering. I imagine it might be similar to the high and crash that occur with drug or alcohol addiction, and I got a richer understanding of the drive to hold onto the behavior even when in some ways it was killing me and others in the process.
With this enlightenment, I understood more of what I had experienced in my youth, what my responses were, and why I developed my subsequent behaviors. It suddenly all made sense, although there are probably many more layers that I can't even see yet. But it was enough to give me some wisdom about the unconscious life paths that I chose.
With these new realizations in hand, along with the support and insight from a dear friend of mine, I have begun to see ways of dissolving these vestigial influences and clearing myself of their hold on me.
Pondering this next step of letting go brought up resistance. Giving up the suffering could also mean giving up that exquisite high that preceded it. My life recently has been so calm, so content. Did I really want to lose a source of a real high?
It seems apparent that it is imperative that I find another source that does not include suffering. But in a way, making that choice seems devastating, like letting go of a soulmate whom I am finally seeing as a batterer. What is it that I get from this behavior? What is it that is so precious that I am so willing to create so much pain?
Energy. That's it. The rush that I get feels like stolen energy. I become filled with a life force that I steal from the person with whom I am interacting, and they may feel some effect but probably often not even know why they might feel deflated when the interaction is finished. But I go on my way energized, feeling so much better, not even realizing that I have taken this precious entity from the other person. If I'm not in touch with my own energy source, and am scrambling to fill myself in any way that I can, how desperate it can make me to grab it, breathe it in and run.
This gives me much insight as to why it might be so difficult for a batterer to stop his pattern. How much more clearly can I see the soul of the person who might feel like they might perish without this energy rush, and how from sitting in this place of the most basic level of survival, we can't even begin yet to consider the havoc we are wreaking on those around us.
I am aware that what I am investigating is only the very tip of the iceberg. There is so much more. But tonight I will let that go, and continue to peer into my own past, forgive myself for the battering I have done to myself and others, and start to search for my own methods of energy so that I never have to steal again.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day Fifteen
Verse 15
The Sages of old were profound
and knew the ways of subtlety and discernment.
Their wisdom is beyond our comprehension.
Because their knowledge was so far superior
I can only give a poor description.
They were careful
as someone crossing a frozen stream in winter.
Alert as if surrounded on all sides by the enemy.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Whole as an uncarved block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Turbid as muddied water.
Who can be still
until their mud settles
and the water is cleared by itself?
Can you remain tranquil until right action occurs by itself?
The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
For only those who are not full are able to be used
which brings the feeling of completeness.
--------------------------------------
Today this verse contains the words that I most need to hear. A dear friend of mine is in deep emotional pain with his own shadow work. I believe that I have some good insights to share with him, ideas that might lessen his suffering, give him some direction, maybe enfuse him with some light. But the strong message I am getting is to let him be, to say nothing, to give him his space. To let him burn his own way to healing and purification.
Sometimes it feels right to share with others the insights that are coming up for me. Sometimes it feels like I need to remain quiet. If I can get out of my own egoic "I believe that I can help you!" way, I can listen and know what is right in each instance. "Can you remain tranquil until right action occurs by itself?" This needs to be my mantra when I feel the desire to 'help' bubbling up in my being. If I really pay attention, and focus not on my own needs, but on the true needs of the other, my choice becomes clear. If the other person does not express his or her desires, I can tune into my own inner wisdom and ask, what would most serve in this instance? For, even if I say nothing, I am still being of service, as I allow the alchemy to occur in a way that most suits the individual's time and space, which is certainly way beyond my own understanding.
So, for today, I will send love to this man's spirit, and let him go, focusing instead on spending the upcoming hours letting my own mud settle, and swimming in my own clearing waters.
The Sages of old were profound
and knew the ways of subtlety and discernment.
Their wisdom is beyond our comprehension.
Because their knowledge was so far superior
I can only give a poor description.
They were careful
as someone crossing a frozen stream in winter.
Alert as if surrounded on all sides by the enemy.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Whole as an uncarved block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Turbid as muddied water.
Who can be still
until their mud settles
and the water is cleared by itself?
Can you remain tranquil until right action occurs by itself?
The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
For only those who are not full are able to be used
which brings the feeling of completeness.
--------------------------------------
Today this verse contains the words that I most need to hear. A dear friend of mine is in deep emotional pain with his own shadow work. I believe that I have some good insights to share with him, ideas that might lessen his suffering, give him some direction, maybe enfuse him with some light. But the strong message I am getting is to let him be, to say nothing, to give him his space. To let him burn his own way to healing and purification.
Sometimes it feels right to share with others the insights that are coming up for me. Sometimes it feels like I need to remain quiet. If I can get out of my own egoic "I believe that I can help you!" way, I can listen and know what is right in each instance. "Can you remain tranquil until right action occurs by itself?" This needs to be my mantra when I feel the desire to 'help' bubbling up in my being. If I really pay attention, and focus not on my own needs, but on the true needs of the other, my choice becomes clear. If the other person does not express his or her desires, I can tune into my own inner wisdom and ask, what would most serve in this instance? For, even if I say nothing, I am still being of service, as I allow the alchemy to occur in a way that most suits the individual's time and space, which is certainly way beyond my own understanding.
So, for today, I will send love to this man's spirit, and let him go, focusing instead on spending the upcoming hours letting my own mud settle, and swimming in my own clearing waters.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Tao of the O?
Verse 14
Look for it, and it can't be seen.
Listen for it, and it can't be heard.
Grasp for it, and it can't be caught.
These three cannot be further described,
so we treat them as The One.
Its highest is not bright.
Its depths are not dark.
Unending, unnameable, it returns to nothingness.
Formless forms, and imageless images,
subtle, beyond all understanding.
Approach it and you will not see a beginning;
follow it and there will be no end.
When we grasp the Tao of the ancient ones,
we can use it to direct our life today.
To know the ancient origin of Tao:
this is the beginning of Wisdom.
-------------------------------
When I meditate on the first few stanzas of this verse, I get a mental image of my body floating in a vast empty space. The space can be dark or light, and it can be furnished with anything that I can imagine; it spreads out in all directions with no beginning or end. It can have any temperature, or no temperature at all. It can be a place of peace, or a place of indescribable terror. Since it can be anything, or nothing, how would I describe it?
The one word that comes to mind as a descriptor is presence. We have all experienced a level of presence at some time. You know that feeling? It is like you are truly there; nothing else is in your consciousness except for pure awareness. I can experience it when I am sitting in nature. I can experience it when I am sitting with a friend, and our sharing hearts and minds are open, and we just look into each others eyes. I especially can experience it when I have an orgasm. Talk about pure awareness! I can't even imagine thinking about tomorrow's tasks or worrying about something I said yesterday, when I am in the midst of the bliss of an orgasm.
This space of presence doesn't seem to typically be something that I can achieve with direct efforting (well, maybe except for that orgasm!) The more I work at it, the more I start getting into my head, and thus farther from its blissful state; like the verse says, Grasp for it, and it can't be caught. In some ways it seems like a gift of grace. But I also know that I can work to create space within myself that is available for this gift; as I shine light on my shadows and heal their origins, I empty my being and give myself more opportunities for manifestation.
The shadow work seems endless. Sometimes I think, Aren't I done yet? How much more can still be in there? But I have happily discovered that my commitment to continually peel the onion layers is enough to create dynamic shifts; I don't have to have completed all of the work to reap significant benefits. Simply being in the process can bring magic. Approach it and you will not see a beginning; follow it and there will be no end. I can just jump in and swim with the mysteries; while laughing, crying and bellowing, there will be perfection just in this beingness.
Look for it, and it can't be seen.
Listen for it, and it can't be heard.
Grasp for it, and it can't be caught.
These three cannot be further described,
so we treat them as The One.
Its highest is not bright.
Its depths are not dark.
Unending, unnameable, it returns to nothingness.
Formless forms, and imageless images,
subtle, beyond all understanding.
Approach it and you will not see a beginning;
follow it and there will be no end.
When we grasp the Tao of the ancient ones,
we can use it to direct our life today.
To know the ancient origin of Tao:
this is the beginning of Wisdom.
-------------------------------
When I meditate on the first few stanzas of this verse, I get a mental image of my body floating in a vast empty space. The space can be dark or light, and it can be furnished with anything that I can imagine; it spreads out in all directions with no beginning or end. It can have any temperature, or no temperature at all. It can be a place of peace, or a place of indescribable terror. Since it can be anything, or nothing, how would I describe it?
The one word that comes to mind as a descriptor is presence. We have all experienced a level of presence at some time. You know that feeling? It is like you are truly there; nothing else is in your consciousness except for pure awareness. I can experience it when I am sitting in nature. I can experience it when I am sitting with a friend, and our sharing hearts and minds are open, and we just look into each others eyes. I especially can experience it when I have an orgasm. Talk about pure awareness! I can't even imagine thinking about tomorrow's tasks or worrying about something I said yesterday, when I am in the midst of the bliss of an orgasm.
This space of presence doesn't seem to typically be something that I can achieve with direct efforting (well, maybe except for that orgasm!) The more I work at it, the more I start getting into my head, and thus farther from its blissful state; like the verse says, Grasp for it, and it can't be caught. In some ways it seems like a gift of grace. But I also know that I can work to create space within myself that is available for this gift; as I shine light on my shadows and heal their origins, I empty my being and give myself more opportunities for manifestation.
The shadow work seems endless. Sometimes I think, Aren't I done yet? How much more can still be in there? But I have happily discovered that my commitment to continually peel the onion layers is enough to create dynamic shifts; I don't have to have completed all of the work to reap significant benefits. Simply being in the process can bring magic. Approach it and you will not see a beginning; follow it and there will be no end. I can just jump in and swim with the mysteries; while laughing, crying and bellowing, there will be perfection just in this beingness.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day Thirteen Revisited
The wrinkled and stained card called to me again today, so I decided to read Verse 13 again. And again. Two parts of it jumped out at me.
One.
Love the whole world as if it were yourself; then you will truly care for all things.
At first glance, this line makes sense. But upon further thought, I find that overall it just doesn't quite work for me.
If I loved the world as if it were myself, for most of my life I wouldn't be loving it very much. In fact, there would be too many occasions when I would despise it. Also, the more I find that I love myself, I naturally love the whole world too; there is no efforting in that task.
I'm probably just missing something in my interpretation.
Two.
Receiving favor and losing it both cause alarm.
What comes up for me here is the old adage I love about not ever taking anything personally. It feels so good when I can hear someone say something 'positive' about myself, or something 'negative' about myself, and neither comment has an impact on my equanimity. This reaction doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it feels good: grounded, solid and centered. It's not that I discount others' opinions; it's just that I allow them to be without having them impact my own state of mind. I don't have to shut myself down or become defensive when I hear a complaint or a judgment, or swell up when I receive a compliment. When I do, I do, but when I don't, it sure feels strong.
This also reminds me of something that happened yesterday. I spent many hours in the presence of someone who was in a very gloomy mood. I had been feeling great until that moment, but discovered that I almost immediately took on his mood. A sense of depression and gloom penetrated my own being. I could feel it happening, and wondered why in the world I was allowing it to affect me. It was a real challenge to pull myself out of it; it felt like a vortex was pulling me down, down, down into its center.
This reaction doesn't happen all of the time; sometimes I don't take on others' energy at all. After musing on the variance, I came up with this idea. My reaction seems to depend upon how the 'gloomer' handles it: he either tries to hold in all of the energy he is feeling and won't discuss it or let it flow, or he acknowledges it in some way, even with a few simple words. In the latter case, I can immediately honor his space and separate myself and let him be without taking the feelings on.
When the 'gloomer' is not outwardly expressing the sentiments, it feels like he creates a black hole energy field that draws me in like heavy gravity. But, when there is even the slightest outward movement involved, the flow breaks up the field and allows me to un-suck myself from this space. It is certainly a lesson for myself, to remember that when I begin to fall into my own inner darkness, to do whatever I can to proactively reach out and connect in even a small way, so as to diffuse the darkness that I may be creating for others.
I imagine that this process may be more common for those who are introverted, and the inverse may be true for those who are more extroverted.
I wonder if anyone else has had the experience of this dynamic occurring in their lives? Does this resonate for you? Do you also notice that sometimes, when you are with someone who is in a down mood, that it can either feel contractive or expansive? I find that when the other person just seems to want to sit in his pain, and maybe even bring others down into his sinking orbit, that I often want to run away. However, if the person is experiencing the pain with a larger goal of healing it, I can feel the difference, and am more likely to stay present and supportive to the process.
One.
Love the whole world as if it were yourself; then you will truly care for all things.
At first glance, this line makes sense. But upon further thought, I find that overall it just doesn't quite work for me.
If I loved the world as if it were myself, for most of my life I wouldn't be loving it very much. In fact, there would be too many occasions when I would despise it. Also, the more I find that I love myself, I naturally love the whole world too; there is no efforting in that task.
I'm probably just missing something in my interpretation.
Two.
Receiving favor and losing it both cause alarm.
What comes up for me here is the old adage I love about not ever taking anything personally. It feels so good when I can hear someone say something 'positive' about myself, or something 'negative' about myself, and neither comment has an impact on my equanimity. This reaction doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it feels good: grounded, solid and centered. It's not that I discount others' opinions; it's just that I allow them to be without having them impact my own state of mind. I don't have to shut myself down or become defensive when I hear a complaint or a judgment, or swell up when I receive a compliment. When I do, I do, but when I don't, it sure feels strong.
This also reminds me of something that happened yesterday. I spent many hours in the presence of someone who was in a very gloomy mood. I had been feeling great until that moment, but discovered that I almost immediately took on his mood. A sense of depression and gloom penetrated my own being. I could feel it happening, and wondered why in the world I was allowing it to affect me. It was a real challenge to pull myself out of it; it felt like a vortex was pulling me down, down, down into its center.
This reaction doesn't happen all of the time; sometimes I don't take on others' energy at all. After musing on the variance, I came up with this idea. My reaction seems to depend upon how the 'gloomer' handles it: he either tries to hold in all of the energy he is feeling and won't discuss it or let it flow, or he acknowledges it in some way, even with a few simple words. In the latter case, I can immediately honor his space and separate myself and let him be without taking the feelings on.
When the 'gloomer' is not outwardly expressing the sentiments, it feels like he creates a black hole energy field that draws me in like heavy gravity. But, when there is even the slightest outward movement involved, the flow breaks up the field and allows me to un-suck myself from this space. It is certainly a lesson for myself, to remember that when I begin to fall into my own inner darkness, to do whatever I can to proactively reach out and connect in even a small way, so as to diffuse the darkness that I may be creating for others.
I imagine that this process may be more common for those who are introverted, and the inverse may be true for those who are more extroverted.
I wonder if anyone else has had the experience of this dynamic occurring in their lives? Does this resonate for you? Do you also notice that sometimes, when you are with someone who is in a down mood, that it can either feel contractive or expansive? I find that when the other person just seems to want to sit in his pain, and maybe even bring others down into his sinking orbit, that I often want to run away. However, if the person is experiencing the pain with a larger goal of healing it, I can feel the difference, and am more likely to stay present and supportive to the process.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Day Thirteen
Verse 13
Success is as dangerous as failure
and we are often our own worst enemy.
What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure?
He who is superior is also someone's subordinate.
Receiving favor and losing it both cause alarm.
That is what is meant by success is as dangerous as failure.
What does it mean that we are often our own worst enemy?
The reason I have an enemy is because I have a "self".
If I no longer had a "self", I would no longer have an enemy.
Love the whole world as if it were yourself;
then you will truly care for all things.
------------------------------------------------
I have been carrying the card that has the verse written upon it for several days now. It is beginning to look bedraggled and water-stained. I read the words over and over, but a part of me refuses to endeavor to understand the deeper meaning of them. My head refuses to think about it at all. Is this happening to keep me from intellectualizing its content? Am I not wanting to see the deeper meaning that is a particular shadow for myself? Or am I just burned out and need a break from self-investigation?
It's likely a combination of all of these reasons, and likely more. I feel exhausted; maybe I'm working too hard on this process and need to learn how to simply just be with it without fighting it. But one thing does seem to be happening: it's like a veil has dropped from my eyes. I seem to be seeing more clearly the bigger picture of what is happening in my life, and also sometimes in the lives of others close to me. I seem to see the shadows lurking behind behaviors: desires, needs and fears that are behind manifested actions. It's like a doorway has opened to another dimension, and the easy clarity often shocks me. What I really like is that this deeper understanding gives me a gift of a richer sense of compassion for myself and for others.
Of course, this clarity is only my perception of the truth. Who knows what 'The Truth' is? As long as I don't try to force my own perceived insights on others, and use it as a source of more compassion and connection, does it really matter? Someday my goal is to sit in that compassionate space all of the time, without needing any understandings or background information to live it, but until then I'll take any segue I can find.
Success is as dangerous as failure
and we are often our own worst enemy.
What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure?
He who is superior is also someone's subordinate.
Receiving favor and losing it both cause alarm.
That is what is meant by success is as dangerous as failure.
What does it mean that we are often our own worst enemy?
The reason I have an enemy is because I have a "self".
If I no longer had a "self", I would no longer have an enemy.
Love the whole world as if it were yourself;
then you will truly care for all things.
------------------------------------------------
I have been carrying the card that has the verse written upon it for several days now. It is beginning to look bedraggled and water-stained. I read the words over and over, but a part of me refuses to endeavor to understand the deeper meaning of them. My head refuses to think about it at all. Is this happening to keep me from intellectualizing its content? Am I not wanting to see the deeper meaning that is a particular shadow for myself? Or am I just burned out and need a break from self-investigation?
It's likely a combination of all of these reasons, and likely more. I feel exhausted; maybe I'm working too hard on this process and need to learn how to simply just be with it without fighting it. But one thing does seem to be happening: it's like a veil has dropped from my eyes. I seem to be seeing more clearly the bigger picture of what is happening in my life, and also sometimes in the lives of others close to me. I seem to see the shadows lurking behind behaviors: desires, needs and fears that are behind manifested actions. It's like a doorway has opened to another dimension, and the easy clarity often shocks me. What I really like is that this deeper understanding gives me a gift of a richer sense of compassion for myself and for others.
Of course, this clarity is only my perception of the truth. Who knows what 'The Truth' is? As long as I don't try to force my own perceived insights on others, and use it as a source of more compassion and connection, does it really matter? Someday my goal is to sit in that compassionate space all of the time, without needing any understandings or background information to live it, but until then I'll take any segue I can find.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Seeing Through My Smile
My boyfriend has also begun to let go of the backpack of shadows that he has been carrying for decades. It's exhilarating to watch how he is doing this within his support team of men. They write down their old stuff, yell it out, and burn it in a raucous fire ceremony. They take a baseball bat and beat the heck out of pumpkins. They take a rifle and blast holes in duck decoys. It's fascinating for me to witness how differently men and women can do this powerful alchemic work.
Hmmm.
Actually, the thought of taking a baseball bat and beating the bejeebus out of something inanimate feels pretty good to me, too.....
OK, now back to the Tao Te Ching verses!
------------------------------------------
Verse 12
Five colors blind the eye.
Five notes deafen the ear.
Five flavors make the palate go stale.
Too much activity deranges the mind.
Too much wealth causes crime.
The Master acts on what she feels and not what she sees.
She shuns the latter, and prefers to seek the former.
------------------------------------------
Each verse of the Tao has taken me one step downward into what feels like both a personal and a collective unconsciousness. It exists far below the chaos and mind-mess of the outside world, inside a space of deeper calm, where answers don't matter. Questions don't matter, either.
Today I will take the words of this Verse 12 and experience my external world in a little different way:
I will let the sound of the rain enter through my heart.
I will let the scent of the bubbling stew enter through the cells of my skin.
I will taste the stew with my entire head.
I will see the raindrops skimming the window pane through my smile.
Hmmm.
Actually, the thought of taking a baseball bat and beating the bejeebus out of something inanimate feels pretty good to me, too.....
OK, now back to the Tao Te Ching verses!
------------------------------------------
Verse 12
Five colors blind the eye.
Five notes deafen the ear.
Five flavors make the palate go stale.
Too much activity deranges the mind.
Too much wealth causes crime.
The Master acts on what she feels and not what she sees.
She shuns the latter, and prefers to seek the former.
------------------------------------------
Each verse of the Tao has taken me one step downward into what feels like both a personal and a collective unconsciousness. It exists far below the chaos and mind-mess of the outside world, inside a space of deeper calm, where answers don't matter. Questions don't matter, either.
Today I will take the words of this Verse 12 and experience my external world in a little different way:
I will let the sound of the rain enter through my heart.
I will let the scent of the bubbling stew enter through the cells of my skin.
I will taste the stew with my entire head.
I will see the raindrops skimming the window pane through my smile.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Shadow Speaks (and Freaks)
How much gentler it is to open up to and face inner demons while in the nourishing circle of deeply caring women. How much kinder it is to confront hidden parts of myself and express them out loud in a space that is non-judgmental. And how richly poignant it is to see how my shadows are also shared by other women, as they call out their grief and shame from the inner berating that cripples all of us.
One of the most profound experiences for me during this weekend retreat was when we were given the opportunity to create an inner image that reflected one of our most feared shadows. I chose the demon that haunts me the most at this point in my life, my fear of growing older. The image manifested almost immediately: an old hag-like woman, with a witch's cap, long stringy greasy black and gray hair, a sharp pointed nose, and warts all over her face. She was hunched over with a curved spine, had saggy and wrinkly skin, spots, and shuffled everywhere while screeching a horrible sound. She would walk closer to me, shake the skin hanging from her arms and flap it in my face, cackling with delighted laughter. Just Wait! she said. You can't get away, no matter what you do! I stared at her in horrible fascination.
We then had the opportunity to work with this image. We listened to it, spoke to it, switched places with it, embodied and spoke through its voice to our 'normal' self, and just stayed present to its existence and power. As I didn't turn away, and continued being with her, she started to transform. Her eyes became light. I saw joy and humor in their twinkling. I could begin to embrace the next suggestion from our group faciliator, which was to ask the demon what gifts she had for us, and to invite her to become our Ally.
My work continues with this Demon, who is on the way to becoming my Ally (I definitely haven't gotten there yet.) How much I yearn to not fear aging, to embrace all of the stages this body can traverse, to welcome the winter as much as the spring. This image work feels like such a powerful first step; if I can take the terror out of this darkness and offer it to the light, I lessen its unconscious negative power and begin to use it for transformation and acceptance.
One of the most profound experiences for me during this weekend retreat was when we were given the opportunity to create an inner image that reflected one of our most feared shadows. I chose the demon that haunts me the most at this point in my life, my fear of growing older. The image manifested almost immediately: an old hag-like woman, with a witch's cap, long stringy greasy black and gray hair, a sharp pointed nose, and warts all over her face. She was hunched over with a curved spine, had saggy and wrinkly skin, spots, and shuffled everywhere while screeching a horrible sound. She would walk closer to me, shake the skin hanging from her arms and flap it in my face, cackling with delighted laughter. Just Wait! she said. You can't get away, no matter what you do! I stared at her in horrible fascination.
We then had the opportunity to work with this image. We listened to it, spoke to it, switched places with it, embodied and spoke through its voice to our 'normal' self, and just stayed present to its existence and power. As I didn't turn away, and continued being with her, she started to transform. Her eyes became light. I saw joy and humor in their twinkling. I could begin to embrace the next suggestion from our group faciliator, which was to ask the demon what gifts she had for us, and to invite her to become our Ally.
My work continues with this Demon, who is on the way to becoming my Ally (I definitely haven't gotten there yet.) How much I yearn to not fear aging, to embrace all of the stages this body can traverse, to welcome the winter as much as the spring. This image work feels like such a powerful first step; if I can take the terror out of this darkness and offer it to the light, I lessen its unconscious negative power and begin to use it for transformation and acceptance.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Emptiness, Part Two
When I awakened on the first morning of my shadow workshop weekend and remembered my night dreams, I had to laugh. In the first one, I was trying to get my clothes off, but they were stuck to my skin and resisted leaving. In the second dream, I was standing next to some building contractors, who were there to help me construct a new home. I guess that some aspect of my psyche was getting ready for the unfolding experiences that were to occur during the upcoming two days.
When I walked out to my car to drive to the retreat, I discovered that the vehicle would not start. (It ended up needing a new battery.) I watched my reaction to this event, knowing I would typically be bothered that this delay would cause me to be late for the training and for the first bonding experiences with the women. I was pleased to note that I was not overly upset, and was able to take it pretty much in stride. I then started making justifications for the car not starting, saying things to myself such as: It's meant to be; Maybe this is happening so that I will miss what might have been a bad accident on the freeway; This is giving me practice with being at peace with being late, etc. etc. I nodded; this type of belief system has been a key source of my deeper sense of equanimity over the years.
I breathed again, and decided to take another look at it. What if those justifications weren't true? What if the car didn't start because, because, well, because it just didn't? What if the not-starting just is? As simple as that. It just is. Nothing else. No reasons, no justifications, no tangled web of cause/effect, no nothing. Just being, just Is. How does that feel, how does that resonate inside of me?
It definitely makes me feel squirmy. On one hand, it gives me a feeling of deep peace: I don't have to understand anything, nothing has to fit together, everything can just be, and I can just let go it it all. But, on the other hand, my years of manufacturing all sorts of possible cosmic reasons for events happening gave me an illusion of knowledge and of a sense of control. It made me feel less terrified at the seeming randomness of life.
The thought of stepping away from that belief system scares the hell out of me.
I am glad that I don't have to find an either/or answer to this query. I don't have to know how and why the universe works. And I certainly don't have a choice as to the how and why; I only get to choose how I decide to dance with it. And, if I decide to do a certain dance one day, and another on the next, it doesn't seem to have the slightest impact on its intrinsic nature. This leads me to wonder: Will I ever have the guts to simply let it take the lead, and follow it down into all of its depths?
When I walked out to my car to drive to the retreat, I discovered that the vehicle would not start. (It ended up needing a new battery.) I watched my reaction to this event, knowing I would typically be bothered that this delay would cause me to be late for the training and for the first bonding experiences with the women. I was pleased to note that I was not overly upset, and was able to take it pretty much in stride. I then started making justifications for the car not starting, saying things to myself such as: It's meant to be; Maybe this is happening so that I will miss what might have been a bad accident on the freeway; This is giving me practice with being at peace with being late, etc. etc. I nodded; this type of belief system has been a key source of my deeper sense of equanimity over the years.
I breathed again, and decided to take another look at it. What if those justifications weren't true? What if the car didn't start because, because, well, because it just didn't? What if the not-starting just is? As simple as that. It just is. Nothing else. No reasons, no justifications, no tangled web of cause/effect, no nothing. Just being, just Is. How does that feel, how does that resonate inside of me?
It definitely makes me feel squirmy. On one hand, it gives me a feeling of deep peace: I don't have to understand anything, nothing has to fit together, everything can just be, and I can just let go it it all. But, on the other hand, my years of manufacturing all sorts of possible cosmic reasons for events happening gave me an illusion of knowledge and of a sense of control. It made me feel less terrified at the seeming randomness of life.
The thought of stepping away from that belief system scares the hell out of me.
I am glad that I don't have to find an either/or answer to this query. I don't have to know how and why the universe works. And I certainly don't have a choice as to the how and why; I only get to choose how I decide to dance with it. And, if I decide to do a certain dance one day, and another on the next, it doesn't seem to have the slightest impact on its intrinsic nature. This leads me to wonder: Will I ever have the guts to simply let it take the lead, and follow it down into all of its depths?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Emptiness
Verse 11
Thirty spokes are joined together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that allows the wheel to function.
We mold clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes the vessel useful.
We fashion wood for a house,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes it livable.
We work with the substantial,
but the emptiness is wha we use.
-------------------------------------------------
Surely, emptiness seems to be a common theme amongst most of these verses. Today I will meditate and focus only on the word emptiness and see where it leads.
----------
This weekend I am attending a women's shadow expression workshop. What is a 'shadow'? For me it is an aspect of my psyche that unconsciously affects my responses to life experiences. Some shadows I am aware of, and others I am not aware of, but their unhealed existence wreaks havoc with my equanimity.
I remember the first time I did some serious shadow investigation of my own. I rented a small cottage on some monastic grounds in the Silicon Valley hills for two weeks. For this solitary journey, I packed a bunch of food, some journals, a book, and lots of tissues. The first few days I focused on what my shadows might be. To uncover their existence, I decided to write down every single personality trait, behavior and attitude that annoyed the heck out of me about other people. Embarrassingly, the list was longer than I would have guessed. I then went back to each line item and investigated how every one reflected an aspect of my own shadow. For, I figured, I wouldn't have a charge about a trait if it wasn't a part of my own univestigated self.
Oh, my. This process was not pretty. I did not want to see the truths in what I was perceiving. I wanted all of these behaviors and traits to be someone else's undeveloped issues, not my own! I did not want to see, for example, that when I was mad or hurt at someone else stepping on my boundaries, it was I who was responsible and allowing this to happen. And on and on. I did lots of crying. Got really mad. I had to start giving up my victimhood, my martyrdom, my self-righteousness, my illusion of perfection and better-than. It was a painful process.
After spending some time working with this, I then needed to live the remainder of the two weeks with the beginnings of forgiveness and a deeper acceptance of myself and of others. By the end of the two weeks, I felt like I had gone to hell and back, but it was an amazingly healing process.
During the ensuing years, I have done more of this type of work, although not as intensely. This upcoming weekend is another opportunity to delve again into the depths. And, with these Tao verses, it is a wonderful reminder to come into it with an empty beginners mind.
So, what would it mean to come into this weekend retreat with an empty mind? Does it mean that I have to let go of my previous learnings? Does it mean that I need to empty myself of any wisdom that I have acquired over the years? The best answer for me is this visual: I sink down into my body and settle down into its warmth and depth, while allowing all of my thoughts to remain in my mind, knowing that I can access and tap into that wisdom whenever I choose. I can simply let myself be nestled in the arms of the inner Mother, while the women and I nurture and support each other during our journeys within.
Thirty spokes are joined together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that allows the wheel to function.
We mold clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes the vessel useful.
We fashion wood for a house,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes it livable.
We work with the substantial,
but the emptiness is wha we use.
-------------------------------------------------
Surely, emptiness seems to be a common theme amongst most of these verses. Today I will meditate and focus only on the word emptiness and see where it leads.
----------
This weekend I am attending a women's shadow expression workshop. What is a 'shadow'? For me it is an aspect of my psyche that unconsciously affects my responses to life experiences. Some shadows I am aware of, and others I am not aware of, but their unhealed existence wreaks havoc with my equanimity.
I remember the first time I did some serious shadow investigation of my own. I rented a small cottage on some monastic grounds in the Silicon Valley hills for two weeks. For this solitary journey, I packed a bunch of food, some journals, a book, and lots of tissues. The first few days I focused on what my shadows might be. To uncover their existence, I decided to write down every single personality trait, behavior and attitude that annoyed the heck out of me about other people. Embarrassingly, the list was longer than I would have guessed. I then went back to each line item and investigated how every one reflected an aspect of my own shadow. For, I figured, I wouldn't have a charge about a trait if it wasn't a part of my own univestigated self.
Oh, my. This process was not pretty. I did not want to see the truths in what I was perceiving. I wanted all of these behaviors and traits to be someone else's undeveloped issues, not my own! I did not want to see, for example, that when I was mad or hurt at someone else stepping on my boundaries, it was I who was responsible and allowing this to happen. And on and on. I did lots of crying. Got really mad. I had to start giving up my victimhood, my martyrdom, my self-righteousness, my illusion of perfection and better-than. It was a painful process.
After spending some time working with this, I then needed to live the remainder of the two weeks with the beginnings of forgiveness and a deeper acceptance of myself and of others. By the end of the two weeks, I felt like I had gone to hell and back, but it was an amazingly healing process.
During the ensuing years, I have done more of this type of work, although not as intensely. This upcoming weekend is another opportunity to delve again into the depths. And, with these Tao verses, it is a wonderful reminder to come into it with an empty beginners mind.
So, what would it mean to come into this weekend retreat with an empty mind? Does it mean that I have to let go of my previous learnings? Does it mean that I need to empty myself of any wisdom that I have acquired over the years? The best answer for me is this visual: I sink down into my body and settle down into its warmth and depth, while allowing all of my thoughts to remain in my mind, knowing that I can access and tap into that wisdom whenever I choose. I can simply let myself be nestled in the arms of the inner Mother, while the women and I nurture and support each other during our journeys within.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day Ten
After only 9 days of this Tao contemplation, I am already noticing how much more calmly present I am in my body. I also don't focus nearly as much on task completion as I typically do; I am discovering the quiet joy in the incremental steps, and choosing to take that next step instead of blindly racing ahead towards my ultimate goal. Since my children have grown up and left the nest, so many of my identities has slipped away: full-time mother, home owner, general contractor, volunteer grief counselor, caretaker. When I realized some months ago that I also needed to let go of some of the other aspects that I have prided myself on being, such as extremely efficient, accurate and speedy, I started to panic. Who am I if I am not these things? What is left if all of those hats are tossed out the window? Do I just melt down to liquid and ooze away into nothingness? It was very scary. But when I sit now in my body, kinda way down underneath my brain of identity, there is a calm peace that feels so comfortable and sane. I can feel my bones, my organs, my cells. It's like coming back home.
As I have created this new practice of being in my own body, it feels really weird to have my energy pulled within, instead of constantly sending it out to others. I remember years ago when my daughter told me that she could feel the difference between my outward-focused and inward-focused energy. When she felt me being outwardly-focused, it sometimes felt invasive to her space, and very uncomfortable. She told me to please stop it.
It took me awhile to understand this request. I had always thought that people would want to sense my interest in them, and I believed that this focus made them feel important and cared about. Instead, they sometimes likely felt intruded upon as I energetically blasted at them: what do you need? how can I serve you? Often, I'm sure that this simply came from the heart, but at other times its etiology was fear: fear of having to earn being good and ok; fear of being too selfish; fear of intrinsically feeling unlovable. When the recipients sensed the fear and control behind the focus, they might certainly want to pull away. I acted like I wanted to give them energy, but underneath it all I really was demanding energy from them. And they could feel it. And it didn't feel good.
I am horrified to realize that I have done this, and probably still do it sometimes. I need to remember to be gentle with myself, and realize that I am working on making this awareness a part of my everyday life. I can't be and do what I don't know yet. And I can't know yet until I start to do and be.
------------------------------------------------------------
Verse 10
Nurture the darkness of your soul
until you become whole.
Can you do this and not fail?
Can you focus your life-breath until you become
supple as a newborn child?
While you cleanse your inner vision
will you be found without fault?
Can you love people and lead them
without forcing your will on them?
When Heaven gives and takes away
can you be content with the outcome?
When you understand all things
can you step back from your own understanding?
Giving birth and nourishing,
making without possessing,
expective nothing in return.
To grow, yet not to control:
This is the mysterious virtue.
--------------------------------------------------------
As I have created this new practice of being in my own body, it feels really weird to have my energy pulled within, instead of constantly sending it out to others. I remember years ago when my daughter told me that she could feel the difference between my outward-focused and inward-focused energy. When she felt me being outwardly-focused, it sometimes felt invasive to her space, and very uncomfortable. She told me to please stop it.
It took me awhile to understand this request. I had always thought that people would want to sense my interest in them, and I believed that this focus made them feel important and cared about. Instead, they sometimes likely felt intruded upon as I energetically blasted at them: what do you need? how can I serve you? Often, I'm sure that this simply came from the heart, but at other times its etiology was fear: fear of having to earn being good and ok; fear of being too selfish; fear of intrinsically feeling unlovable. When the recipients sensed the fear and control behind the focus, they might certainly want to pull away. I acted like I wanted to give them energy, but underneath it all I really was demanding energy from them. And they could feel it. And it didn't feel good.
I am horrified to realize that I have done this, and probably still do it sometimes. I need to remember to be gentle with myself, and realize that I am working on making this awareness a part of my everyday life. I can't be and do what I don't know yet. And I can't know yet until I start to do and be.
------------------------------------------------------------
Verse 10
Nurture the darkness of your soul
until you become whole.
Can you do this and not fail?
Can you focus your life-breath until you become
supple as a newborn child?
While you cleanse your inner vision
will you be found without fault?
Can you love people and lead them
without forcing your will on them?
When Heaven gives and takes away
can you be content with the outcome?
When you understand all things
can you step back from your own understanding?
Giving birth and nourishing,
making without possessing,
expective nothing in return.
To grow, yet not to control:
This is the mysterious virtue.
--------------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 11, 2010
R.I.P.
Verse 9
It is easier to carry an empty cup
than one that is filled to the brim.
The sharper the knife
the easier it is to dull.
The more wealth you possess
the harder it is to protect.
Pride brings its own trouble.
When you have accomplished your goal
simply walk away.
This is the path way to Heaven.
--------------------------------------------
While I was endeavoring to remain present and aware during this time of crisis, two things continued to show up as being important. One. It is easier to carry an empty cup than one that is filled to the brim. I was not too surprised to remember that keeping the cup emptied during the difficult moments would help in important ways: having fewer judgments about what needed to happen; the importance of being a good listener; just taking it all in with love; not stating my own opinions and decisions when it was important to just witness others creating their own. But what was interesting was that when things seemed to be improving, it was also imperative to remain empty: it was not helpful to be gleeful and excited about a judged 'good' outcome. How am I to know what is in the highest for the individuals involved? How can I really know that my externally-judged path is 'good', when the apparently more difficult one might bring them the gifts of learning that their souls are yearning for? What an opportunity it has been for me to remain in equanimity no matter what transpires, and to not root for one outcome over another. I cannot say that I always succeeded, but continually endeavoring to come back to this awareness was helpful; I didn't have to perform it perfectly, but just keep coming back, coming back.
The second learning that has been important also includes the concept of perfection. It was not an easy decision to postpone doing my Tao blog work during these past few days. I believed that I had made a commitment to do 81 days of verse in 81 consecutive days, and letting it go felt like failure. I had to pull myself back and look at what the message was here. What matters is the learning, and the full blossoming of the learning, not the exact timing of the journey. If I rush through with a pre-programmed timetable, I will likely miss the deeper gifts of an experience. I notice again and again my propensity towards a rigid idealistic perfectionistic nature, needing to perform and accomplish within rigid self-set guidelines. When I start to let go of this aspect that keeps me from being true to the individual moment, I can relax enough to empty and allow deeper wisdom to arrive. May I say goodbye to Rigid Idealistic Perfectionism. R.I.P.
It is easier to carry an empty cup
than one that is filled to the brim.
The sharper the knife
the easier it is to dull.
The more wealth you possess
the harder it is to protect.
Pride brings its own trouble.
When you have accomplished your goal
simply walk away.
This is the path way to Heaven.
--------------------------------------------
While I was endeavoring to remain present and aware during this time of crisis, two things continued to show up as being important. One. It is easier to carry an empty cup than one that is filled to the brim. I was not too surprised to remember that keeping the cup emptied during the difficult moments would help in important ways: having fewer judgments about what needed to happen; the importance of being a good listener; just taking it all in with love; not stating my own opinions and decisions when it was important to just witness others creating their own. But what was interesting was that when things seemed to be improving, it was also imperative to remain empty: it was not helpful to be gleeful and excited about a judged 'good' outcome. How am I to know what is in the highest for the individuals involved? How can I really know that my externally-judged path is 'good', when the apparently more difficult one might bring them the gifts of learning that their souls are yearning for? What an opportunity it has been for me to remain in equanimity no matter what transpires, and to not root for one outcome over another. I cannot say that I always succeeded, but continually endeavoring to come back to this awareness was helpful; I didn't have to perform it perfectly, but just keep coming back, coming back.
The second learning that has been important also includes the concept of perfection. It was not an easy decision to postpone doing my Tao blog work during these past few days. I believed that I had made a commitment to do 81 days of verse in 81 consecutive days, and letting it go felt like failure. I had to pull myself back and look at what the message was here. What matters is the learning, and the full blossoming of the learning, not the exact timing of the journey. If I rush through with a pre-programmed timetable, I will likely miss the deeper gifts of an experience. I notice again and again my propensity towards a rigid idealistic perfectionistic nature, needing to perform and accomplish within rigid self-set guidelines. When I start to let go of this aspect that keeps me from being true to the individual moment, I can relax enough to empty and allow deeper wisdom to arrive. May I say goodbye to Rigid Idealistic Perfectionism. R.I.P.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Day 8
Last night I was continually awakened by barking dogs. Typically, one of the things that annoys me the most is interrupted sleep. I get so frustrated and mad at the owners for letting their pets wreck the peace and quiet of the neighborhood; the feeling of inner rage permeates my body. This time I tried to use what I have learned to lessen the impact on my cells and on what energy I was creating.
The work: To endeavor not to push the feelings away, but to also not to hold onto them. So, breathe, feel the feelings of rage come into my body, and through it, going out and away from me. Feeling the resentment flow through me, and then out. Continuing, over and over, not letting it settle and take over, not letting it become who I am. My body relaxed. In, through, out. In, through, out. Breathing into my belly, grounding. The barking became more out 'there', not 'in here'. My inner tension started to fade. I would fall back asleep for awhile, until the next lesson, but I didn't get as bottled up with rage. The process worked.
It's funny how a part of me doesn't WANT the process to work: I want the other people to just pay attention and STOP their dog from barking at all hours! Why should I have to do all of this work when it's something that THEY are doing? Yes, yes, it's their gift to me of another life lesson. But it's so much more fun (and infinitely more self-righteous) to just want to yell at them.
-------------------------------------------------
Verse 8
The supreme good is like water,
which benefits all of creation
without trying to compete with it.
It gathers in unpopular places.
Thus it is like the Tao.
The location makes the dwelling good.
Depth of understanding makes the mind good.
A kind heart makes the giving good.
Integrity makes the government good.
Accomplishment makes your labors good.
Proper timing makes a decision good.
Only when there is no competition
will we all live in peace.
--------------------------------------------------
A family crisis has occurred. May the learning that I have received so far bring clarity and light to this event. I will take a break from the blog during this time. Love to you.
The work: To endeavor not to push the feelings away, but to also not to hold onto them. So, breathe, feel the feelings of rage come into my body, and through it, going out and away from me. Feeling the resentment flow through me, and then out. Continuing, over and over, not letting it settle and take over, not letting it become who I am. My body relaxed. In, through, out. In, through, out. Breathing into my belly, grounding. The barking became more out 'there', not 'in here'. My inner tension started to fade. I would fall back asleep for awhile, until the next lesson, but I didn't get as bottled up with rage. The process worked.
It's funny how a part of me doesn't WANT the process to work: I want the other people to just pay attention and STOP their dog from barking at all hours! Why should I have to do all of this work when it's something that THEY are doing? Yes, yes, it's their gift to me of another life lesson. But it's so much more fun (and infinitely more self-righteous) to just want to yell at them.
-------------------------------------------------
Verse 8
The supreme good is like water,
which benefits all of creation
without trying to compete with it.
It gathers in unpopular places.
Thus it is like the Tao.
The location makes the dwelling good.
Depth of understanding makes the mind good.
A kind heart makes the giving good.
Integrity makes the government good.
Accomplishment makes your labors good.
Proper timing makes a decision good.
Only when there is no competition
will we all live in peace.
--------------------------------------------------
A family crisis has occurred. May the learning that I have received so far bring clarity and light to this event. I will take a break from the blog during this time. Love to you.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tao-lking to Myself
Verse 7
The Tao of Heaven is eternal,
and the earth is long enduring.
Why are they long enduring?
They do not live for themselves;
thus they are present for all beings.
The Master puts herself last;
And finds herself in the place of authority.
She detaches herself from all things;
Therefore she is united with all things.
She gives no thought to self.
She is perfectly fulfilled.
-----------------------------------------------
Ah. This verse is the first one that really resonates with some personal work that I have been doing with inherent contradictions. I've been amazed at how much I can truly love more unconditionally if I don't feel attached to something or someone. What has been a big challenge has been to really internalize that for me to be able to give "no thought to self. She is perfectly fulfilled" I must spend lots of time giving much thought to myself. Throughout most of my life I have focused on being aware of and taking care of others almost exclusively, and found myself angry when others didn't return the favor and resentful that what I was sacrificing was not being acknowledged. Any love I could give to them was extremely conditional, and I didn't know how to get out of the box I had created. Since my behavior has been much more self-full these past few years, I am just beginning to discover that my attachment to responses from others has lessened, and when I express love it sometimes feels much less conditional. I have a very long way to go, but I have experienced it enough to know that it can work.
Oh, who am I kidding. I think that I have expectations of return almost every time I give something; if not directly, then indirectly, like from God (see what a good deed I did!)
(Sigh)
I'll see what the idea of 'attachment' brings up for me today..
----------
No, no no no. I don't want to deal with what came up.
I went to see the movie Avatar in 3D. It was really difficult to watch, with all of the violence in it. I could tell that I shut myself down in protection during the show. Tonight it is a challenge to open myself back up. I am thinking, I hate violence! I want to stay away from it!
And thought, uh oh, here we go again.
The point was made at some point in the movie that Mother Nature is divinely indifferent; She doesn't 'root' for the good guys over the bad guys. There ARE no bad guys or good guys, evidently, even if one race of people kills many of another race purposely to acquire something that it wants. However, at the end of the movie, the 'bad' guys lose, and the audience cheers. How far we are as a culture from a deeper awareness, me included. How do we detach from wanting to name good over bad and beautiful over ugly, and hey, haven't we already talked about this a few days ago? What would it take to detach me from not wanting to be in the presence of violence? How can I sit with it with equanimity? And, how do you balance that with the old adages, Do No Harm? Cause No Suffering? What about that? What, both polarities are true? How does that work?
Ok, back to asking my body. She says, 'you are intellectualizing too much: just be with whatever is without fighting it or having a desire for it, with no attachment to any sort of experience or outcome, without judging. If you don't like violence, don't like violence. If you want quiet, want quiet.' And, with that, I think that this must also be true: if you have judgment, have judgment. If you feel desire, have desire. If you have preferences, have preferences.
I'm still confused. I think I'll go back to just laying in Mother's arms tonight, and let her hold me.
The Tao of Heaven is eternal,
and the earth is long enduring.
Why are they long enduring?
They do not live for themselves;
thus they are present for all beings.
The Master puts herself last;
And finds herself in the place of authority.
She detaches herself from all things;
Therefore she is united with all things.
She gives no thought to self.
She is perfectly fulfilled.
-----------------------------------------------
Ah. This verse is the first one that really resonates with some personal work that I have been doing with inherent contradictions. I've been amazed at how much I can truly love more unconditionally if I don't feel attached to something or someone. What has been a big challenge has been to really internalize that for me to be able to give "no thought to self. She is perfectly fulfilled" I must spend lots of time giving much thought to myself. Throughout most of my life I have focused on being aware of and taking care of others almost exclusively, and found myself angry when others didn't return the favor and resentful that what I was sacrificing was not being acknowledged. Any love I could give to them was extremely conditional, and I didn't know how to get out of the box I had created. Since my behavior has been much more self-full these past few years, I am just beginning to discover that my attachment to responses from others has lessened, and when I express love it sometimes feels much less conditional. I have a very long way to go, but I have experienced it enough to know that it can work.
Oh, who am I kidding. I think that I have expectations of return almost every time I give something; if not directly, then indirectly, like from God (see what a good deed I did!)
(Sigh)
I'll see what the idea of 'attachment' brings up for me today..
----------
No, no no no. I don't want to deal with what came up.
I went to see the movie Avatar in 3D. It was really difficult to watch, with all of the violence in it. I could tell that I shut myself down in protection during the show. Tonight it is a challenge to open myself back up. I am thinking, I hate violence! I want to stay away from it!
And thought, uh oh, here we go again.
The point was made at some point in the movie that Mother Nature is divinely indifferent; She doesn't 'root' for the good guys over the bad guys. There ARE no bad guys or good guys, evidently, even if one race of people kills many of another race purposely to acquire something that it wants. However, at the end of the movie, the 'bad' guys lose, and the audience cheers. How far we are as a culture from a deeper awareness, me included. How do we detach from wanting to name good over bad and beautiful over ugly, and hey, haven't we already talked about this a few days ago? What would it take to detach me from not wanting to be in the presence of violence? How can I sit with it with equanimity? And, how do you balance that with the old adages, Do No Harm? Cause No Suffering? What about that? What, both polarities are true? How does that work?
Ok, back to asking my body. She says, 'you are intellectualizing too much: just be with whatever is without fighting it or having a desire for it, with no attachment to any sort of experience or outcome, without judging. If you don't like violence, don't like violence. If you want quiet, want quiet.' And, with that, I think that this must also be true: if you have judgment, have judgment. If you feel desire, have desire. If you have preferences, have preferences.
I'm still confused. I think I'll go back to just laying in Mother's arms tonight, and let her hold me.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
In The Arms of the Angel
I turned down Bliss. Flat out. Ran as fast as I could.
Broke a sacred promise to my inner children.
So how come I'm not beating myself up? How come it feels like I am still floating in the Beloved's arms, warm, nurtured and loved? I know I read in yesterday's verse about the impartiality of the Master, but I still fear punishment from breaking promises and running with fear from the Master's gifts.
Today I carry a deep melancholy, missing joy, missing connection, wondering if I ever will have the guts to let go and immerse myself in Its sacredness.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Verse 6
The spirit of emptiness is immortal.
It is called the Great Mother
because it gives birth to Heaven and Earth.
It is like a vapor
barely seen but always present.
Use it effortlessly.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Great Mother, please hold me today. I won't grab; I will endeavor to be effortless in my connection, I will float in your arms. Allow me to weep, to nestle, to suck my thumb, to savor, to let myself be loved without conditions or expectations. Help me know what that is like. May I drink it in like nectar, may I know its essence to my very bones, may I remember and keep it to my heart. May I live it so that I may offer it to myself and to others always. May I live this day feeling your gentle embrace.
Broke a sacred promise to my inner children.
So how come I'm not beating myself up? How come it feels like I am still floating in the Beloved's arms, warm, nurtured and loved? I know I read in yesterday's verse about the impartiality of the Master, but I still fear punishment from breaking promises and running with fear from the Master's gifts.
Today I carry a deep melancholy, missing joy, missing connection, wondering if I ever will have the guts to let go and immerse myself in Its sacredness.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Verse 6
The spirit of emptiness is immortal.
It is called the Great Mother
because it gives birth to Heaven and Earth.
It is like a vapor
barely seen but always present.
Use it effortlessly.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Great Mother, please hold me today. I won't grab; I will endeavor to be effortless in my connection, I will float in your arms. Allow me to weep, to nestle, to suck my thumb, to savor, to let myself be loved without conditions or expectations. Help me know what that is like. May I drink it in like nectar, may I know its essence to my very bones, may I remember and keep it to my heart. May I live it so that I may offer it to myself and to others always. May I live this day feeling your gentle embrace.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Straw Dogs Howl
Before going to sleep last night, I decided to take my 'kids' out for an adventure today. I planned on actively paying attention to their experiences, letting them take the lead and provide the feedback. All night long I kept awakening, sensing an inner excitement, like they couldn't wait to go on their field trip.
Amidst this reveling, I couldn't help also feeling some sadness: how much of life have I missed by living it mostly through only one porthole? How much has been lost and never will be recovered? Tons, tons, endless tons; immeasurable, I think. That which has not been caught, held, seen (and so often judged), has sailed by unnoticed, undiscovered, and unappreciated. What heavy sorrow this brings to my heart. In the morning I awaken to both the happiness of anticipation and the heaviness of regret.
At dawn the 'kids' start jumping on the bed. 'Go back to sleep!' I say. But they either don't hear or don't choose to respond. After almost a lifetime of sleeping, they are ready to go. I promise that I won't forget them, but that I need a bit more sleep so that we can have the energy to go do whatever they want to do. Upon this promise, they let me fall back asleep.
I awaken, a couple of hours later, with my body wildly aglow. My skin: undulating rippling on my bones; my muscles: interconnecting with the arteries the nerves the molecules the oxygen the blood the Life Force. My tongue: feeling my tongue, sensing how it fills my mouth. Who knew that our tongues were so huge? How could I not know that?
I stretch my entire body, feeling the movement of one body part flowing into and expanding upon the next, a cat turning itself almost inside out in luxuriousness. My voice calls out a yowl into the wild.
I bask, and bask.
It's 10 a.m., time to get up and continue this glorious day. But first, I need to read my verse.
----------------------------------------------------------
Verse 5
Heaven and Earth are impartial;
they treat all of creation as straw dogs.
The Master doesn't take sides;
she treats everyone like a straw dog.
The space between Heaven and Earth is like a bellows;
it is empty, yet has not lost its power.
The more it is used, the more it produces;
the more you talk of it, the less you comprehend.
It is better not to speak of things you do not understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Huh. I don't know what a straw dog is. What is it? I hear a small voice; it sounds like it's coming from a pinky finger: "oh, don't worry about that; it just all about taking nothing personally, that we're treated all the same. We don't care; let's just go play!"
Next on the agenda is taking a shower. When I stepped out afterwards, I remembered to again check in with my body. The response: 'You were asleep all during the shower!' A little stunned, I realized that during my entire time under the water I hadn't for one second been aware of its silky lusciousness upon my skin. I was thinking thinking thinking. How soon I revert to my comfortable patterns.
I have my list of things to do today, in preparation for a trip to Southern California that we are taking tomorrow. I remember the promise to play, but I set it aside to just bask in the continued tingly warmth of my body. The tasks get done. There is satisfaction in that completion; I am smiling, feeling good. I don't want to have to do any more work today. I don't want to have to play. I hate playing. Playing is boring. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to learn how to do it. The giggling laughing children are now starting to annoy me.
I want to go away from my body. I want to reside back in my head. I have a stomach ache. I want to go back to reading my verses and writing more pointed responses to what they have to say, and get away from this body-stuff. I don't know why this shift is happening. I'm getting into a stinking rotten mood. I just want to get away from all of this. I want to scream.
The verse says: the more you talk of it, the less you comprehend. It is better not to speak of things you do not understand.
Fine! I'll stop talking.
Amidst this reveling, I couldn't help also feeling some sadness: how much of life have I missed by living it mostly through only one porthole? How much has been lost and never will be recovered? Tons, tons, endless tons; immeasurable, I think. That which has not been caught, held, seen (and so often judged), has sailed by unnoticed, undiscovered, and unappreciated. What heavy sorrow this brings to my heart. In the morning I awaken to both the happiness of anticipation and the heaviness of regret.
At dawn the 'kids' start jumping on the bed. 'Go back to sleep!' I say. But they either don't hear or don't choose to respond. After almost a lifetime of sleeping, they are ready to go. I promise that I won't forget them, but that I need a bit more sleep so that we can have the energy to go do whatever they want to do. Upon this promise, they let me fall back asleep.
I awaken, a couple of hours later, with my body wildly aglow. My skin: undulating rippling on my bones; my muscles: interconnecting with the arteries the nerves the molecules the oxygen the blood the Life Force. My tongue: feeling my tongue, sensing how it fills my mouth. Who knew that our tongues were so huge? How could I not know that?
I stretch my entire body, feeling the movement of one body part flowing into and expanding upon the next, a cat turning itself almost inside out in luxuriousness. My voice calls out a yowl into the wild.
I bask, and bask.
It's 10 a.m., time to get up and continue this glorious day. But first, I need to read my verse.
----------------------------------------------------------
Verse 5
Heaven and Earth are impartial;
they treat all of creation as straw dogs.
The Master doesn't take sides;
she treats everyone like a straw dog.
The space between Heaven and Earth is like a bellows;
it is empty, yet has not lost its power.
The more it is used, the more it produces;
the more you talk of it, the less you comprehend.
It is better not to speak of things you do not understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Huh. I don't know what a straw dog is. What is it? I hear a small voice; it sounds like it's coming from a pinky finger: "oh, don't worry about that; it just all about taking nothing personally, that we're treated all the same. We don't care; let's just go play!"
Next on the agenda is taking a shower. When I stepped out afterwards, I remembered to again check in with my body. The response: 'You were asleep all during the shower!' A little stunned, I realized that during my entire time under the water I hadn't for one second been aware of its silky lusciousness upon my skin. I was thinking thinking thinking. How soon I revert to my comfortable patterns.
I have my list of things to do today, in preparation for a trip to Southern California that we are taking tomorrow. I remember the promise to play, but I set it aside to just bask in the continued tingly warmth of my body. The tasks get done. There is satisfaction in that completion; I am smiling, feeling good. I don't want to have to do any more work today. I don't want to have to play. I hate playing. Playing is boring. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to learn how to do it. The giggling laughing children are now starting to annoy me.
I want to go away from my body. I want to reside back in my head. I have a stomach ache. I want to go back to reading my verses and writing more pointed responses to what they have to say, and get away from this body-stuff. I don't know why this shift is happening. I'm getting into a stinking rotten mood. I just want to get away from all of this. I want to scream.
The verse says: the more you talk of it, the less you comprehend. It is better not to speak of things you do not understand.
Fine! I'll stop talking.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Empty Fullness
So.
If focusing on the Tao's meaning doesn't serve
And being in my head doesn't serve
And if the Tao doesn't exist
But is also Truth
How am I supposed to do this work today?
Breathe, breathe. Meditate. Trust what comes up.
Relaxing, going down into my body.
Imagery comes.
I am a kindergarten teacher, sitting on a short-legged stool in front of a classroom of children who are on the floor in front of me. They attentively await the reading of a book I have in my hands.
The sense is that each child represents a part of my body. Every one has ears, mouth, and all the requisite parts to fully hear and participate in responding to what is being expressed. So, it looks like my brain gets to be a part of this experience anyway; it simply doesn't get exclusive rights for response to all input, like it usually does.
The teacher begins to read.
----------------------------------------------
Verse 4
The Tao is like an empty container:
it can never be emptied and can never be filled.
Infinitely deep, it is the source of all things.
It dulls the sharp, unties the knotted,
shades the lighted, and unites all of creation with dust.
It is hidden but always present.
I don't know who gave birth to it.
It is older than the concept of God.
----------------------------------------------
(Uniting all creation with dust??)
My next meditative breath takes me down, down a long tube, kind of like the ones you ride at a water park. The sensation is exhilarating, fun and safe safe safe. I finally come out, not into water, but into space, floating above a landscape lightened by the setting sun. My body gently glides into the openness, tingly, present, really here, glowing. Radiating. Floating.
I bask in the warm comfort of this place. Here, somehow, the concepts that baffled me in the other world now make sense: Everything Matters/Nothing Matters; Hidden yet Present; Understanding=Being Clueless. This rich awareness floats free in the cavernous space with me.
Cavern. Cave. The old residence. My previous cave was dank, constricted, coldly insulated from life. This space is expansive, serene, so warm, so comforting, so....everything.
I hear giggling. Somewhere there are children playing and laughing whom I can't see, and I can't reach. My heart yearns to be with them, to know what it feels like to giggle, to remember how to play. A realization comes to me that in this work I have come closer to fulfilling this desire. Gratitude deeply moves me.
I continue to float, in studied bliss. Not joyous bliss, but with inner peace, swimming in the Tao's empty fullness essence.
If focusing on the Tao's meaning doesn't serve
And being in my head doesn't serve
And if the Tao doesn't exist
But is also Truth
How am I supposed to do this work today?
Breathe, breathe. Meditate. Trust what comes up.
Relaxing, going down into my body.
Imagery comes.
I am a kindergarten teacher, sitting on a short-legged stool in front of a classroom of children who are on the floor in front of me. They attentively await the reading of a book I have in my hands.
The sense is that each child represents a part of my body. Every one has ears, mouth, and all the requisite parts to fully hear and participate in responding to what is being expressed. So, it looks like my brain gets to be a part of this experience anyway; it simply doesn't get exclusive rights for response to all input, like it usually does.
The teacher begins to read.
----------------------------------------------
Verse 4
The Tao is like an empty container:
it can never be emptied and can never be filled.
Infinitely deep, it is the source of all things.
It dulls the sharp, unties the knotted,
shades the lighted, and unites all of creation with dust.
It is hidden but always present.
I don't know who gave birth to it.
It is older than the concept of God.
----------------------------------------------
(Uniting all creation with dust??)
My next meditative breath takes me down, down a long tube, kind of like the ones you ride at a water park. The sensation is exhilarating, fun and safe safe safe. I finally come out, not into water, but into space, floating above a landscape lightened by the setting sun. My body gently glides into the openness, tingly, present, really here, glowing. Radiating. Floating.
I bask in the warm comfort of this place. Here, somehow, the concepts that baffled me in the other world now make sense: Everything Matters/Nothing Matters; Hidden yet Present; Understanding=Being Clueless. This rich awareness floats free in the cavernous space with me.
Cavern. Cave. The old residence. My previous cave was dank, constricted, coldly insulated from life. This space is expansive, serene, so warm, so comforting, so....everything.
I hear giggling. Somewhere there are children playing and laughing whom I can't see, and I can't reach. My heart yearns to be with them, to know what it feels like to giggle, to remember how to play. A realization comes to me that in this work I have come closer to fulfilling this desire. Gratitude deeply moves me.
I continue to float, in studied bliss. Not joyous bliss, but with inner peace, swimming in the Tao's empty fullness essence.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Body Speaks
Yesterday I found that my head was spinning. So today I decide that my head is off limits. Any internalization of the Tao these 24 hours needs to remain below my neck.
--------------------------------------------------
Verse 3
If you overly esteem talented individuals
people will become overcompetitive.
If you overvalue possessions
people will begin to steal.
Do not display your treasures
or people will become envious.
The Master leads by
emptying people's minds,
filling their bellies,
weakening their ambitions,
and making them become strong.
Preferring simplicity and freedom from desires,
avoiding the pitfalls of knowledge and wrong action.
For those who practice non-doing,
everything will fall into place.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Morning) Oh, how funny to find the line about emptying people's minds the day that I endeavor to do so. But, busted, I'm already in my mind. How am I supposed to do this work outside of my head? For just a moment I cheat and stay in my head, and I think: how do I do wrong action if nothing is right or wrong? Or did I just make that last part up sometime in the past couple of days? Oh man, I'm already in a mess, and the day is just beginning.
Breathe, breathe, get into my body. There is nothing I have to know today, just be. Take in the words through my heart, my arms, my legs, my hands. Let them talk to me.
*****
(Evening) Oh my. How do I begin to share what I experienced today?
When I wrote my verse on the card this morning, I said the words aloud, but spoke them towards my mid-section. With this reading, and subsequent readings during the day, I didn't let the meanings of the words go into my brain. I could feel my stomach area get hot, like on fire, when I directed the energy there. It was a very strange sensation. When I sneaked for a moment back into my head, I got a panicky thought: what do I write if my brain isn't getting any information to analyze? I decided to just let it go, walk down the stairs from my head, shut the door, and see what happened.
After I read the words twice out loud, without intellectually understanding anything, I asked my hands, on a whim: "what do you say, hands?" From inside of me immediately came an awareness, and here are the wods that describe it the best that I can: 'I say, all of the words that you are reading in the Tao have no meaning in themselves; they are set up to get us out of our minds. The statements are like koans; ideas to meditate on that don't have any answers or reality. It's all illusion. None of these concepts actually exist. That's why they make less sense the more you investigate them. Oh, and by the way, the verses are also Truth."
I felt stunned.
I then turned to my leg and asked the same question. Another awareness came: "The Is isn't something 'out there'. It is us. Me. You. Don't try to understand it. Each time you do, you limit it."
What the hell. Since when do I have philosophers living in my body? Who else is in there? I didn't ask any more, as this was enough for me to stomach, so to speak.
Wow. It feels like I've blasted off in a rocket ship and landed on the moon.
So I went about my day. I felt like I was living centered in the darkness of my gut. My brain felt like it was resting, taking a nap. It must be some other brain that was speaking to me earlier, some body or spirit or ? brain that I can access when I turn the other one off.
This body talked to me off and on all day. Well, it actually probably spoke to me all day, but I only tuned in some of the time. Once in awhile I would feel a jolt, and when I paid attention, I realized that there was a message for me (kinda like 'you've got mail'). For example, when I heard someone at the gym speaking about their 'bad back', the jolt came. When I dialed in, I heard "it's not a BAD back, it's just a back that has a message that isn't being heard!"
Right on.
Tonight I'm freaked that I won't know how to handle the rest of these 81 minus 3 days. What else could there be?
My inner brain just laughs.
--------------------------------------------------
Verse 3
If you overly esteem talented individuals
people will become overcompetitive.
If you overvalue possessions
people will begin to steal.
Do not display your treasures
or people will become envious.
The Master leads by
emptying people's minds,
filling their bellies,
weakening their ambitions,
and making them become strong.
Preferring simplicity and freedom from desires,
avoiding the pitfalls of knowledge and wrong action.
For those who practice non-doing,
everything will fall into place.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Morning) Oh, how funny to find the line about emptying people's minds the day that I endeavor to do so. But, busted, I'm already in my mind. How am I supposed to do this work outside of my head? For just a moment I cheat and stay in my head, and I think: how do I do wrong action if nothing is right or wrong? Or did I just make that last part up sometime in the past couple of days? Oh man, I'm already in a mess, and the day is just beginning.
Breathe, breathe, get into my body. There is nothing I have to know today, just be. Take in the words through my heart, my arms, my legs, my hands. Let them talk to me.
*****
(Evening) Oh my. How do I begin to share what I experienced today?
When I wrote my verse on the card this morning, I said the words aloud, but spoke them towards my mid-section. With this reading, and subsequent readings during the day, I didn't let the meanings of the words go into my brain. I could feel my stomach area get hot, like on fire, when I directed the energy there. It was a very strange sensation. When I sneaked for a moment back into my head, I got a panicky thought: what do I write if my brain isn't getting any information to analyze? I decided to just let it go, walk down the stairs from my head, shut the door, and see what happened.
After I read the words twice out loud, without intellectually understanding anything, I asked my hands, on a whim: "what do you say, hands?" From inside of me immediately came an awareness, and here are the wods that describe it the best that I can: 'I say, all of the words that you are reading in the Tao have no meaning in themselves; they are set up to get us out of our minds. The statements are like koans; ideas to meditate on that don't have any answers or reality. It's all illusion. None of these concepts actually exist. That's why they make less sense the more you investigate them. Oh, and by the way, the verses are also Truth."
I felt stunned.
I then turned to my leg and asked the same question. Another awareness came: "The Is isn't something 'out there'. It is us. Me. You. Don't try to understand it. Each time you do, you limit it."
What the hell. Since when do I have philosophers living in my body? Who else is in there? I didn't ask any more, as this was enough for me to stomach, so to speak.
Wow. It feels like I've blasted off in a rocket ship and landed on the moon.
So I went about my day. I felt like I was living centered in the darkness of my gut. My brain felt like it was resting, taking a nap. It must be some other brain that was speaking to me earlier, some body or spirit or ? brain that I can access when I turn the other one off.
This body talked to me off and on all day. Well, it actually probably spoke to me all day, but I only tuned in some of the time. Once in awhile I would feel a jolt, and when I paid attention, I realized that there was a message for me (kinda like 'you've got mail'). For example, when I heard someone at the gym speaking about their 'bad back', the jolt came. When I dialed in, I heard "it's not a BAD back, it's just a back that has a message that isn't being heard!"
Right on.
Tonight I'm freaked that I won't know how to handle the rest of these 81 minus 3 days. What else could there be?
My inner brain just laughs.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day Two
When I reread yesterday's Tao verse, I could see how little of its offerings I touched in my blog writings. It was like I was standing before tables of food, which were stretched out in all directions, and chose only one or two items to eat from the buffet. And, as the food went through my system, it was like it had thousands of options of digestive tracts to traverse, but could choose only one. It occurs to me that this is probably true for every life experience: How often do I notice only an infinitesimal part of what is right in front of my eyes, and then think that this is the only correct interpretation?
Verse 2
When people see things as beautiful
ugliness is created.
When people see things as good,
evil is created.
Being and non-being produce each other.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low oppose each other.
Fore and aft follow each other.
Therefore the Master
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Things come her way and she does not stop them;
things leave and she lets them go.
She has without possessing,
and acts without any expectations.
When her work is done, she takes no credit.
That is why it will last forever.
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Today was the first day that I actually went out with the verse on a card attached to my purse. One of my errands included going to Costco. As I was waiting my turn at the optical department, the card caught my eye and I looked at the words again. After I read the first 2 lines, I looked all around me at the people in the store. So many different sizes, shapes, colors, ages. I began to see them as all beautiful, and then caught myself, and saw them as just being. Just, there. Simply, part of All That Is. Not beautiful or unattractive, not wise or unaware, not old or young. Just as part of it All. I felt a heaviness drop into my chest, and I began to weep. Oh god oh god, if only it could be so. If only I could see everyone and everything with absolutely no judgment, as Beings simply in manifestation of what Is. Different faces of God. I have been so terrified to grow old; I judge harshly every gray hair, wrinkle, sag and spot that I manifest in my body. I so often see others whom I judge as being older, or with more wrinkles, or fat, and I breathe sighs of relief that it is not me yet. But it puts me in a constant state of fear of the natural changes that occur throughout a body's life, and I have not yet found a place of peace and acceptance with this process. Today, when I considered seeing only Souls in manifestation of God, with the different appearances simply as fascinating variations, I sobbed with a deep desire to Have It Be So. Please please please. I have created so much suffering and separation in this area.
Later on in the day, I called someone whom I had neglected to contact earlier. After leaving a phone message, I started my normal beating myself up for not doing the right and proper thing. I could feel my energy starting to get frenetic as I saw myself as being Bad. Then I stopped and remembered that I was focusing on today. And thought, oh, maybe what I did wasn't bad at all! Maybe it was exactly right, what was needed in this circumstance! I had to stop again. No, that wasn't it, either. According to what I am understanding in the verse, it isn't bad, it isn't good, it just Is. It is certainly a challenge to get my arms around this. I am so used to something being Bad if it's not Good, and Good if it's not Bad. It's actually not about being either one.
Verse 2
When people see things as beautiful
ugliness is created.
When people see things as good,
evil is created.
Being and non-being produce each other.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low oppose each other.
Fore and aft follow each other.
Therefore the Master
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Things come her way and she does not stop them;
things leave and she lets them go.
She has without possessing,
and acts without any expectations.
When her work is done, she takes no credit.
That is why it will last forever.
---------------------------------------------------
Today was the first day that I actually went out with the verse on a card attached to my purse. One of my errands included going to Costco. As I was waiting my turn at the optical department, the card caught my eye and I looked at the words again. After I read the first 2 lines, I looked all around me at the people in the store. So many different sizes, shapes, colors, ages. I began to see them as all beautiful, and then caught myself, and saw them as just being. Just, there. Simply, part of All That Is. Not beautiful or unattractive, not wise or unaware, not old or young. Just as part of it All. I felt a heaviness drop into my chest, and I began to weep. Oh god oh god, if only it could be so. If only I could see everyone and everything with absolutely no judgment, as Beings simply in manifestation of what Is. Different faces of God. I have been so terrified to grow old; I judge harshly every gray hair, wrinkle, sag and spot that I manifest in my body. I so often see others whom I judge as being older, or with more wrinkles, or fat, and I breathe sighs of relief that it is not me yet. But it puts me in a constant state of fear of the natural changes that occur throughout a body's life, and I have not yet found a place of peace and acceptance with this process. Today, when I considered seeing only Souls in manifestation of God, with the different appearances simply as fascinating variations, I sobbed with a deep desire to Have It Be So. Please please please. I have created so much suffering and separation in this area.
Later on in the day, I called someone whom I had neglected to contact earlier. After leaving a phone message, I started my normal beating myself up for not doing the right and proper thing. I could feel my energy starting to get frenetic as I saw myself as being Bad. Then I stopped and remembered that I was focusing on today. And thought, oh, maybe what I did wasn't bad at all! Maybe it was exactly right, what was needed in this circumstance! I had to stop again. No, that wasn't it, either. According to what I am understanding in the verse, it isn't bad, it isn't good, it just Is. It is certainly a challenge to get my arms around this. I am so used to something being Bad if it's not Good, and Good if it's not Bad. It's actually not about being either one.
How strange to not know whether to pat myself on the back or beat myself up. How odd, how alien, to sit in that space. I am realizing how much security I get out of putting situations, people, ideas, things, etc. into boxes. What do I do if those boxes disappear? What would I do then? I figure that it would sure give me a lot of extra time on my hands.
Tonight I turned on the news to watch while I was doing some exercises. I heard a report about some people killed in a bombing. I recoiled and thought, oh, how horrible! And stopped myself again. Uh oh, I could see what was coming....oh geez...you mean, this isn't good or bad, either? It just Is? How can I hold that? How could I hold that if it was MY child who was killed? How can I, like it is shared in the verse, let things flow to me, through me, and away from me without expectations? Am I just supposed to be in equanimity about it? Can I have emotions? Do I stop being emotional if I saw All as just Being?
But, if 'she does not stop' things that come her way, then that includes all of her emotions, from anger to hatred to compassion to committing suicide. Every single one, not matter what they are. None is Right, none is Wrong, none is Bad, none is Good.
Urgh! I feel like I'm going around in circles.
One more thing. What about the last lines of the verse? If we take credit for a deed, does that stop the flow of its energy? If we don't take credit for what is done, then does the energy of the deed somehow continue? Interesting idea if so, one that I had never considered before.
My head feels like it is about to explode.
Again, I am more confused than when I woke up this morning.
Maybe at the end of 81 days I won't have any ideas or beliefs left.
I'm already steadily on my way, and it's only Day 2.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Boaring into the Depths
Tao Te Ching
by Lao-Tzu
translation by j.h.mcdonald
from wright-house website
Verse 1
The Tao that can be described
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be spoken
is not the eternal Name.
The nameless is the boundary of Heaven and Earth.
The named is the mother of creation.
Freed from desire, you can see the hidden mystery.
By having desire, you can only see what is visibly real.
Yet mystery and reality
emerge from the same source.
This source is called darkness.
Darkness born from darkness.
The beginning of all understanding.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yikes.
What was I thinking?
Did I actually believe that I could, in one day of contemplation, do any justice to such speechless inquiry? Did I imagine that I could plumb the depths of such ideas for a few hours and then blithely go on to the next verse? What hubris! Yet, here I am, at the beginning of a task that has called itself to me. All of my experience is telling me to trust in the process, and continue to see where this leads.
So, my day begins.
This morning my boyfriend Edward and I awakened to discover our yard almost completely torn up. Ed had spotted a wild hog on the lawn when he got home from work late last night (I had been hearing weird noises when I was in the hot tub the past few evenings; I thought that I was hallucinating.) Evidently the nocturnal pigs have been rooting in the garden and grass looking for food. It looks like a tractor has torn through the yard.
So, ah, a first opportunity for contemplation!
How about I see this experience through the eyes of desire/no desire.
Option 1: Desire. I weant the hogs gone and my yard back!
Option 2: Non-Desire. It doesn't matter whether they tear up the yard or not.
I close my eyes and imagine each choice in my mind. In option #1, many thoughts, emotions and images flood my being, from justification of my frustration at the mess, to helplessness, to anger at the destruction of beauty. In option #2, if what is being done truly does not matter, then when I close my eyes I experience only.....emptiness.....darkness.....peace.
Hmmm. How easy is that? Many times in the past I have considered having a life of non-attachment, where wanting or having anything or nothing simply doesn't matter. But I keep coming back from thinking about it to live in my normal world of desire. I WANT to look forward to eating chocolate! I WANT to live in a warm comfy house out in the country! The thought of being just as content to live in a noisy city or even on the streets horrifies me.
But what if it all truly didn't matter? What if I could live fully, free from preference, from attachment? My first instinctive response is that it would be a boring life: Not to care if I have loved ones around me? Not to have anything special to look forward to? My second response is that it would be endless bliss: Everything would be a wonder. And I could accept anything with the same level of equanimity.
But, for me right now Option #2 just doesn't sound juicy or delicious enough. Part of me still enjoys reveling in the ideas and judgments of right/wrong, tasty/unpalatable, ugly/beautiful. When I judge, I can sometimes feel superior to the other and thus feel OK about being me. I conveniently put aside the fact that in glorifying myself I am stepping on something or someone else.
I say that I am anti-war, and anti-hate. But isn't living in the world of option #1 simply a form of warfare and hatred? When is it time to give up my desire for chocolate and grow up? Someday we'll all have to. Is there a reason I need to prolong the suffering I create until the pain is so big that it can't be endured anymore?
Isn't it interesting that we often choose to stay in our lives of suffering because the concept of going below into our shadows is so terrifying that the known pain feels safer. What is it about going into the darkness that is so scary? What are we truly afraid of? For me, I have been afraid that I will discover how bad, how flawed, how, well, human I am. But, don't I worry about that a lot of the time anyway? What keeps me from jumping into the ocean of darkness I carry within me? After the first shock of cold, if I keep breathing and don't respond to that first instinct to jump back out, I can rise and fall with the initial turbulence. Eventually, as I am swept out from the shores and crashing waves, I can find myself lovingly carried within the waters' soothing silkiness, free and contained, supported and floating, one with it all.
There is something both mesmerizing and horrifying about contemplating this last step. Right now it doesn't feel free to me. It feels like I'm strangled and drowning. Let me OUT! I want to be FREE! After living most of my life in that cave, I don't want to now go live in the ocean and be a part of everything else. I want to fully relish Jan's favorite burritos and tacos and chili, Jan's rages and sense of humor, Jan's friends; I want beautiful hiking trails and peace and quiet and plenty of money and sleeping in late in the mornings. And and and!
I have all of these wonderful things now, and I don't want to let it go. It feels great. So, what do I do with the dichotomy of joyfully embracing all that I have and the undeniable joy of being willing to let it all go? How come it feels like a sin to NOT enjoy these gifts, yet some inner knowing is also aware that being able to easily release feels just as holy?
How come the more I contemplate, the fewer answers I have? And, how come feeling even more confused than when I started my day brings me such internal peace?
For this day and this moment, I decide to take away two meanings. One: to go after my greatest joy. And Two: To investigate my deepest darkness.
The mysteries of the Tao..
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