The Tranquility of Peace vs the Joy of Ecstasy

Verse 16

If you can empty your mind of all thoughts
your heart will embrace the tranquility of peace.
Watch the workings of all creation,
but contemplate their return to source.

All creatures in the universe
return to the point where they began.
Returning to the source is tranquility
because we submit to Heaven's mandate.

Returning to Heaven's mandate is called being constant.
Knowing the constant is called 'enlightenment'.
Not knowing the constant is the source of evil deeds
because we have no roots.
By knowing the constant we can accept things as they are.

By accepting things as they are, we become impartial.
By being impartial, we become one with Heaven.
By being one with Heaven, we become one with Tao.
By being one with Tao, we are no longer concerned about
losing our life because we know the Tao is constant
and we are one with Tao.
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These past several days I have had an infection, and being down with it has been an opportunity to reflect upon the messages and gifts that this malady has for me.

One huge gift came, in the form of a blaze of light. It was like a switch was flipped that illuminated all that had been encased in darkness for years.

I have manifested a certain behavior for much of my life that was formed in childhood and hasn't served me. Well, actually, there are lots of my behaviors that haven't served me, but one in particular has been a source of pain and grief for a long time, and I haven't been able to get a handle on it. Not only has it caused personal suffering, but also wounding for those who have been close to me. And I have been so caught up in the drama that I didn't have a complete picture of what was happening, and why.

Nor did it seem that I wanted to have the complete picture, as, in the midst of that suffering also came a deep sense of pleasure that I didn't want to give up. The pleasure was a rush that was soon followed by an even deeper rush of suffering. I imagine it might be similar to the high and crash that occur with drug or alcohol addiction, and I got a richer understanding of the drive to hold onto the behavior even when in some ways it was killing me and others in the process.

With this enlightenment, I understood more of what I had experienced in my youth, what my responses were, and why I developed my subsequent behaviors. It suddenly all made sense, although there are probably many more layers that I can't even see yet. But it was enough to give me some wisdom about the unconscious life paths that I chose.

With these new realizations in hand, along with the support and insight from a dear friend of mine, I have begun to see ways of dissolving these vestigial influences and clearing myself of their hold on me.

Pondering this next step of letting go brought up resistance. Giving up the suffering could also mean giving up that exquisite high that preceded it. My life recently has been so calm, so content. Did I really want to lose a source of a real high?

It seems apparent that it is imperative that I find another source that does not include suffering. But in a way, making that choice seems devastating, like letting go of a soulmate whom I am finally seeing as a batterer. What is it that I get from this behavior? What is it that is so precious that I am so willing to create so much pain?

Energy. That's it. The rush that I get feels like stolen energy. I become filled with a life force that I steal from the person with whom I am interacting, and they may feel some effect but probably often not even know why they might feel deflated when the interaction is finished. But I go on my way energized, feeling so much better, not even realizing that I have taken this precious entity from the other person. If I'm not in touch with my own energy source, and am scrambling to fill myself in any way that I can, how desperate it can make me to grab it, breathe it in and run.

This gives me much insight as to why it might be so difficult for a batterer to stop his pattern. How much more clearly can I see the soul of the person who might feel like they might perish without this energy rush, and how from sitting in this place of the most basic level of survival, we can't even begin yet to consider the havoc we are wreaking on those around us.

I am aware that what I am investigating is only the very tip of the iceberg. There is so much more. But tonight I will let that go, and continue to peer into my own past, forgive myself for the battering I have done to myself and others, and start to search for my own methods of energy so that I never have to steal again.