Day Two

When I reread yesterday's Tao verse, I could see how little of its offerings I touched in my blog writings. It was like I was standing before tables of food, which were stretched out in all directions, and chose only one or two items to eat from the buffet. And, as the food went through my system, it was like it had thousands of options of digestive tracts to traverse, but could choose only one. It occurs to me that this is probably true for every life experience: How often do I notice only an infinitesimal part of what is right in front of my eyes, and then think that this is the only correct interpretation?

Verse 2

When people see things as beautiful
ugliness is created.
When people see things as good,
evil is created.

Being and non-being produce each other.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low oppose each other.
Fore and aft follow each other.

Therefore the Master
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Things come her way and she does not stop them;
things leave and she lets them go.
She has without possessing,
and acts without any expectations.
When her work is done, she takes no credit.
That is why it will last forever.
---------------------------------------------------
Today was the first day that I actually went out with the verse on a card attached to my purse. One of my errands included going to Costco. As I was waiting my turn at the optical department, the card caught my eye and I looked at the words again. After I read the first 2 lines, I looked all around me at the people in the store. So many different sizes, shapes, colors, ages. I began to see them as all beautiful, and then caught myself, and saw them as just being. Just, there. Simply, part of All That Is. Not beautiful or unattractive, not wise or unaware, not old or young. Just as part of it All. I felt a heaviness drop into my chest, and I began to weep. Oh god oh god, if only it could be so. If only I could see everyone and everything with absolutely no judgment, as Beings simply in manifestation of what Is. Different faces of God. I have been so terrified to grow old; I judge harshly every gray hair, wrinkle, sag and spot that I manifest in my body. I so often see others whom I judge as being older, or with more wrinkles, or fat, and I breathe sighs of relief that it is not me yet. But it puts me in a constant state of fear of the natural changes that occur throughout a body's life, and I have not yet found a place of peace and acceptance with this process. Today, when I considered seeing only Souls in manifestation of God, with the different appearances simply as fascinating variations, I sobbed with a deep desire to Have It Be So. Please please please. I have created so much suffering and separation in this area.

Later on in the day, I called someone whom I had neglected to contact earlier. After leaving a phone message, I started my normal beating myself up for not doing the right and proper thing. I could feel my energy starting to get frenetic as I saw myself as being Bad. Then I stopped and remembered that I was focusing on today. And thought, oh, maybe what I did wasn't bad at all! Maybe it was exactly right, what was needed in this circumstance! I had to stop again. No, that wasn't it, either. According to what I am understanding in the verse, it isn't bad, it isn't good, it just Is. It is certainly a challenge to get my arms around this. I am so used to something being Bad if it's not Good, and Good if it's not Bad. It's actually not about being either one.

How strange to not know whether to pat myself on the back or beat myself up. How odd, how alien, to sit in that space. I am realizing how much security I get out of putting situations, people, ideas, things, etc. into boxes. What do I do if those boxes disappear? What would I do then? I figure that it would sure give me a lot of extra time on my hands.

Tonight I turned on the news to watch while I was doing some exercises. I heard a report about some people killed in a bombing. I recoiled and thought, oh, how horrible! And stopped myself again. Uh oh, I could see what was coming....oh geez...you mean, this isn't good or bad, either? It just Is? How can I hold that? How could I hold that if it was MY child who was killed? How can I, like it is shared in the verse, let things flow to me, through me, and away from me without expectations? Am I just supposed to be in equanimity about it? Can I have emotions? Do I stop being emotional if I saw All as just Being?

But, if 'she does not stop' things that come her way, then that includes all of her emotions, from anger to hatred to compassion to committing suicide. Every single one, not matter what they are. None is Right, none is Wrong, none is Bad, none is Good.

Urgh! I feel like I'm going around in circles.

One more thing. What about the last lines of the verse? If we take credit for a deed, does that stop the flow of its energy? If we don't take credit for what is done, then does the energy of the deed somehow continue? Interesting idea if so, one that I had never considered before.

My head feels like it is about to explode.

Again, I am more confused than when I woke up this morning.

Maybe at the end of 81 days I won't have any ideas or beliefs left.

I'm already steadily on my way, and it's only Day 2.