Tao-lking to Myself

Verse 7

The Tao of Heaven is eternal,
and the earth is long enduring.
Why are they long enduring?
They do not live for themselves;
thus they are present for all beings.

The Master puts herself last;
And finds herself in the place of authority.
She detaches herself from all things;
Therefore she is united with all things.
She gives no thought to self.
She is perfectly fulfilled.
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Ah. This verse is the first one that really resonates with some personal work that I have been doing with inherent contradictions. I've been amazed at how much I can truly love more unconditionally if I don't feel attached to something or someone. What has been a big challenge has been to really internalize that for me to be able to give "no thought to self. She is perfectly fulfilled" I must spend lots of time giving much thought to myself. Throughout most of my life I have focused on being aware of and taking care of others almost exclusively, and found myself angry when others didn't return the favor and resentful that what I was sacrificing was not being acknowledged. Any love I could give to them was extremely conditional, and I didn't know how to get out of the box I had created. Since my behavior has been much more self-full these past few years, I am just beginning to discover that my attachment to responses from others has lessened, and when I express love it sometimes feels much less conditional. I have a very long way to go, but I have experienced it enough to know that it can work.

Oh, who am I kidding. I think that I have expectations of return almost every time I give something; if not directly, then indirectly, like from God (see what a good deed I did!)

(Sigh)

I'll see what the idea of 'attachment' brings up for me today..
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No, no no no. I don't want to deal with what came up.

I went to see the movie Avatar in 3D. It was really difficult to watch, with all of the violence in it. I could tell that I shut myself down in protection during the show. Tonight it is a challenge to open myself back up. I am thinking, I hate violence! I want to stay away from it!

And thought, uh oh, here we go again.

The point was made at some point in the movie that Mother Nature is divinely indifferent; She doesn't 'root' for the good guys over the bad guys. There ARE no bad guys or good guys, evidently, even if one race of people kills many of another race purposely to acquire something that it wants. However, at the end of the movie, the 'bad' guys lose, and the audience cheers. How far we are as a culture from a deeper awareness, me included. How do we detach from wanting to name good over bad and beautiful over ugly, and hey, haven't we already talked about this a few days ago? What would it take to detach me from not wanting to be in the presence of violence? How can I sit with it with equanimity? And, how do you balance that with the old adages, Do No Harm? Cause No Suffering? What about that? What, both polarities are true? How does that work?

Ok, back to asking my body. She says, 'you are intellectualizing too much: just be with whatever is without fighting it or having a desire for it, with no attachment to any sort of experience or outcome, without judging. If you don't like violence, don't like violence. If you want quiet, want quiet.' And, with that, I think that this must also be true: if you have judgment, have judgment. If you feel desire, have desire. If you have preferences, have preferences.

I'm still confused. I think I'll go back to just laying in Mother's arms tonight, and let her hold me.