The Shadow Speaks (and Freaks)

How much gentler it is to open up to and face inner demons while in the nourishing circle of deeply caring women. How much kinder it is to confront hidden parts of myself and express them out loud in a space that is non-judgmental. And how richly poignant it is to see how my shadows are also shared by other women, as they call out their grief and shame from the inner berating that cripples all of us.

One of the most profound experiences for me during this weekend retreat was when we were given the opportunity to create an inner image that reflected one of our most feared shadows. I chose the demon that haunts me the most at this point in my life, my fear of growing older. The image manifested almost immediately: an old hag-like woman, with a witch's cap, long stringy greasy black and gray hair, a sharp pointed nose, and warts all over her face. She was hunched over with a curved spine, had saggy and wrinkly skin, spots, and shuffled everywhere while screeching a horrible sound. She would walk closer to me, shake the skin hanging from her arms and flap it in my face, cackling with delighted laughter. Just Wait! she said. You can't get away, no matter what you do! I stared at her in horrible fascination.

We then had the opportunity to work with this image. We listened to it, spoke to it, switched places with it, embodied and spoke through its voice to our 'normal' self, and just stayed present to its existence and power. As I didn't turn away, and continued being with her, she started to transform. Her eyes became light. I saw joy and humor in their twinkling. I could begin to embrace the next suggestion from our group faciliator, which was to ask the demon what gifts she had for us, and to invite her to become our Ally.

My work continues with this Demon, who is on the way to becoming my Ally (I definitely haven't gotten there yet.) How much I yearn to not fear aging, to embrace all of the stages this body can traverse, to welcome the winter as much as the spring. This image work feels like such a powerful first step; if I can take the terror out of this darkness and offer it to the light, I lessen its unconscious negative power and begin to use it for transformation and acceptance.