Day Ten

After only 9 days of this Tao contemplation, I am already noticing how much more calmly present I am in my body. I also don't focus nearly as much on task completion as I typically do; I am discovering the quiet joy in the incremental steps, and choosing to take that next step instead of blindly racing ahead towards my ultimate goal. Since my children have grown up and left the nest, so many of my identities has slipped away: full-time mother, home owner, general contractor, volunteer grief counselor, caretaker. When I realized some months ago that I also needed to let go of some of the other aspects that I have prided myself on being, such as extremely efficient, accurate and speedy, I started to panic. Who am I if I am not these things? What is left if all of those hats are tossed out the window? Do I just melt down to liquid and ooze away into nothingness? It was very scary. But when I sit now in my body, kinda way down underneath my brain of identity, there is a calm peace that feels so comfortable and sane. I can feel my bones, my organs, my cells. It's like coming back home.

As I have created this new practice of being in my own body, it feels really weird to have my energy pulled within, instead of constantly sending it out to others. I remember years ago when my daughter told me that she could feel the difference between my outward-focused and inward-focused energy. When she felt me being outwardly-focused, it sometimes felt invasive to her space, and very uncomfortable. She told me to please stop it.

It took me awhile to understand this request. I had always thought that people would want to sense my interest in them, and I believed that this focus made them feel important and cared about. Instead, they sometimes likely felt intruded upon as I energetically blasted at them: what do you need? how can I serve you? Often, I'm sure that this simply came from the heart, but at other times its etiology was fear: fear of having to earn being good and ok; fear of being too selfish; fear of intrinsically feeling unlovable. When the recipients sensed the fear and control behind the focus, they might certainly want to pull away. I acted like I wanted to give them energy, but underneath it all I really was demanding energy from them. And they could feel it. And it didn't feel good.

I am horrified to realize that I have done this, and probably still do it sometimes. I need to remember to be gentle with myself, and realize that I am working on making this awareness a part of my everyday life. I can't be and do what I don't know yet. And I can't know yet until I start to do and be.
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Verse 10

Nurture the darkness of your soul
until you become whole.
Can you do this and not fail?
Can you focus your life-breath until you become
supple as a newborn child?
While you cleanse your inner vision
will you be found without fault?
Can you love people and lead them
without forcing your will on them?
When Heaven gives and takes away
can you be content with the outcome?
When you understand all things
can you step back from your own understanding?

Giving birth and nourishing,
making without possessing,
expective nothing in return.
To grow, yet not to control:
This is the mysterious virtue.
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